On the Outside
by Kirachu
Summary: An obsession develops into something more. (Ryuuichi x Tatsuha, chapter 10 uploaded)
1. Chapter One

**On the Outside**  
**by Kira** (kirabop@hotmail.com) 

**Author's Notes:** A completely spur of the moment multi-parter fic idea I decided it was better go with than ignore. As a fore-warning, I only saw the anime, and read a few translations of the manga, so some things I make up as I go along. *sweatdrop* Which I hate doing, but... ah well. 

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**Chapter One**

When Eiri informed Shuuichi that I would be coming to stay for a few weeks, the conversation went something like this. 

"My brother is coming." 

"Eh? Tatsuha-san?" 

"Aa." 

"He's coming?" 

"Aa." 

"Why?" 

Shrug. 

"For how long?" 

Shrug. 

"... he's really coming?" 

"Aa." 

And that was that. Let me tell you, the one thing Shuuichi was most concerned about was likely whether or not he'd be able to get my brother into bed while I was there. Okay, and maybe he was a little worried considering the first time we met, I tried to molest him. Tried being the operative word there. Even back then, Eiri would have torn off my head if I'd gotten any further. 

Right. Back then. Hard to believe that my royal prick of a brother (I say this in the utmost endearment, I love my brother -- really) would stick with one person for so long. Mika didn't understand it for a long time, but I think she's finally given in to the fact that Shuuichi is going no where, and maybe, just maybe, Eiri is happy like that. We're still not sure about that one and likely won't ever be. 

It's more a matter that Eiri has stayed with him this long that's amazing, than the fact he's living and sleeping with (quite often, I'm unfortunately told) another guy. The Uesugi boys have this little thing I like to call the 'slut gene.' Before Shuuichi, Eiri had maybe a new girlfriend every week. The kicker is he was the most charming guy in the world with them. He can be obnoxious like that. So he'd wine and dine them, pretend to be one of the shmucks he writes about in his books, and before the day was up would have a girl in his bed. Then on to the next one. 

I've got the gene too, but I can say honestly I've never taken it as far as Eiri. I'm just a terrible womanizer. I'll have ten, fifteen girlfriends at any time, about five of those in my school, five in another school, and five across the country. 

See, the Uesugi slut gene can also be accounted to the fact we guys just get bored very easily. It takes a special person to be able to hold our interest. And when life gets boring and repetitive enough that we can't take it anymore, we go looking for something new. 

Eiri found Shuuichi. I developed a somewhat healthy obsession with Sakuma Ryuuichi. 

It's funny. I really don't consider myself a person that's attracted to guys. I've never dated another guy. I've thought about it sometimes, but nobody's ever really caught my interest like that. I can pass some random guy on the street and think hey, he's pretty good-looking, but I'm not gonna chase after him and try to get his number or anything. Sakuma Ryuuichi is just... different. 

And absolutely and utterly insane, but where would the fun in life be without that? 

It's not that shallow of an attraction either. Sure, he's good-looking and all, but I at least know what the guy is like the rest of the time. People think with the way I spazz out at seeing him on TV or whatever that I'd just die at the chance to meet him, but I already have. Come on. My sister is married to his former band mate and the president of NG Records. You'd think there'd be a few encounters, wouldn't you? 

But I spent most of those encounters tongue-tied. Aside from the one time I got a little drunk and decided to pretend like I was dying. Low blow, but it got me some 'quality time' with my god. 

Pause for the obligatory drooling. 

Anyway. Staying with Eiri wasn't my bright idea. Far from it. The whole thing was fabricated by my old man. Something about maybe spending time with an obedient family member might teach Eiri a few things. Scratch that. Mika made up that bull story. And he bought it, of course. Mika has a way of swaying men to do what she wants, as long as they're not Eiri or her husband. 

The truth is I hate it at home. It's boring as hell. Wake up, go to school, come home, do my duties around the temple -- that's right, I'm a monk. A sixteen-year-old monk. Not by choice, mind you. It's the family way. 

Let me explain this a bit. Not doing what your family expects of you in the Uesugi clan is grounds for disowning. Now, Eiri was on his way to being the next temple priest and all, but then Touma up and whisks him off to New York when he was sixteen. When he came back he was a completely different person, for reasons no one has yet to inform me of (I asked Mika once, and she told me to drop it in this very scary voice -- so I did). He also came back with it in his head he was going to be a writer and to hell with the family expectations and temple. 

But look, there's little Tatsuha-kun, won't he make a good, obedient monk? 

Yup. Eiri decides hell with it, goes to live in Tokyo. Me, I stay in Kyoto, and learn to take my father's place someday. And let me tell you, it's boring. More boring than sitting in a room with nothing in it, listening to a leaky faucet. 

Don't get me wrong. I don't hold it against Eiri for backing out, or for the fact I get to take his place. Not really. I mean, he used to be an obedient kid that would have never talked back to his father, but all of that changed when he came back from New York. And hell if I know why. I remember this big brother that was always looking out for me, that'd give me piggy-back rides around the house. 

And now I have 'damn the world and all of the people in it, grrrr grrr grrr' Eiri. Oh well. He's still my brother, right? 

Back to the point. Mika, God I love her, realized how damn miserable I was and convinced my dad to let me go to Tokyo for a few weeks. It's not like I'm not allowed to have any fun or anything; I have plenty of fun in Kyoto. She just noticed that I was getting bored with the same old routine and before I could do something stupid, she worked all this out. Better to pitch me into a city where there's a million and one things to keep my interest than to leave me back home. Who knows, I could have decided that fire is a hell of a lot of fun to play with. 

Don't really know how Eiri took it to begin with. I know Mika went and explained to him what was going on, and if he'd be so kind as to put me up for a few weeks. Something I doubt he appreciated too much. Probably demanded why I couldn't just stay with her and Touma. And well, from there it was probably one of their big knock out drag on fights, until Eiri either kicked her out or finally said it was fine. 

So one cheerful morning I showed up at his doorstep, armed with only a duffel bag. The look he gave me when he opened the door was blandness incarnated. 

"Get in," he said. What a greeting, huh? 

"If you said that with a little more enthusiasm, I'd think you were just a little too delighted to see me, big bro." 

I came in and tossed the duffel bag to the floor and made myself at home on the couch. Eiri went about his usual greeting process. Taking a cigarette out from wherever it is he hides those things on his person, putting it to his lips and lighting up, taking a long drag before he even thought to look back at me. 

Eiri is the type of person that only does things on his own terms. If he doesn't want to talk to you, he won't. He'll completely ignore your existence until he sees fit to notice you. I don't get too worked up about it. Mika used to get pissed with him for it, and I know for a fact that it frustrated Shuuichi to no end, but that's just how it is. He's got to have things the way he wants them. Accommodating someone else has never been one of his strong suits. 

Geez. I'm becoming a master of my own brother. I ought to write a book on it someday. 'The Secrets to Inner Working Mind of Famous Novelist Yuki Eiri -- by Uesugi Tatsuha.' It would sell a million, that's for sure. 

"Rule number one." 

Rules? Shit. 

"Don't bring any of your girlfriends here." 

Okay, I can understand that. High school girls make the vein in Eiri's forehead pop out like mad. It cracks me up. 'course, he fails to see the humor about it. I think he still holds it against me the time I brought home about fifty high school girls when I accidentally let it slip that Yuki Eiri, the Yuki Eiri, was at my house. 

"Got it. No girls." 

He pointed to his stereo. "Nittle Grasper never goes into that." 

"What? That's totally unfair! I bet you let Shuuichi listen to them." 

"Yes. But the combination of you and him and Nittle Grasper is enough to make anyone want to commit suicide." 

Oh. Right. We do get a little ... uh... overenthusiastic? 

"All right." 

"Curfew is midnight." 

I laughed aloud. His eye twitched in that way it does when he's irritated, and I quickly shut up. 

"Okay, okay. Anything else?" 

He shook his head. "Don't bother me while I'm writing. The rest I'll make it up as I go along." 

Sounded like a riot to me. It'd be a real pain in the ass if he randomly decided to have a rule about using the microwave or stove in the middle of the night, when I want to make something to eat. Then again, this is his place, and it's by some amazing stroke of generosity he's even letting me stay with him. 

I looked around. "Where's Shuuichi?" 

"Work," he answered. He took another drag of his cigarette before stubbing it out in the ashtray on the kitchen counter. He's becoming a chain-smoker. He'll leave one out in the living room, light another in the kitchen, another in his study, and another in the bedroom. One for each room or something. 

I should have figured about Shuuichi working. Since recording and releasing the impromptu song Shuuichi burst into at the Tokyo Bay Music Festival, they've been working on getting another album done. Which would probably be a hell of a lot easier if Shuuichi knew how to write lyrics for a damn. 

Sometimes I wonder why Eiri doesn't just write lyrics for them. It'd sell more albums. It's probably some issue about not wanting to depend on other people or something as far as Shuuichi is concerned. He goes around declaring himself the world's greatest lyricist, so he has to deliver. It's what the fans want to see. 

I don't really think they'd be all that objected to buying records with lyrics written by every teenage girl's favorite author though. 

"What're you writing now?" I asked. 

"Trash novel." 

I bit my tongue at that. It would have been easy to agree that yeah, most of what he writes are trash novels. It's not that he's not got the talent or anything. I've read his books. He's damn good at what he does. He's also smart. He knows what people want to read and he writes it for them. Teenage girls want stories about doomed romances that all work out in the end, of charismatic men coming to the rescue of the damsel in distress. No one wants to read a story where the doomed romance really is doomed and the man is really an asshole. 

I stopped reading his books awhile ago. I can read the first line and know exactly where it's going. 

And I know Eiri isn't satisfied with that. The same as he was never happy with those random girls he would bring home, sleep with, and then pitch out again the next day. It's always the same thing. 

"You should write a story of your life," I suggested. 

He snorted. "Yeah. Right." 

"The fan girls you have would kill to get it." 

"I don't want the rest of the world reading about my life." 

Something in his voice made me stop at that. And still I can't help but wonder what it is about himself and his life that he hates so much. It sucks to be in the dark. 

I hopped up and retrieved myself a coke from the fridge. The fact he had cokes kind of mind boggled me for a second there, but then I figured... duh. Shuuichi. Normally there would have been beer, beer, and oh yeah, more beer. Not that Eiri is an alcoholic. Far from it. But he does have at least one beer a day along with his twenty cigarettes a day. Or is that fifty? Who knows. 

"How's the old man?" he asked. I'm surprised. Who'd think he'd care. 

"Cancer's come back," I replied, taking a swig of my coke. "Doctors say it's spreading. They're going to try treatment again." 

My mother died of the same thing. Cancer of the lungs. She didn't smoke a day in her life, but was surrounded by it all of the time. Her father was a heavy smoker. My father used to be. She was the one that died for it. You'd think, with something like that in the back of your mind, Eiri wouldn't smoke. 

You'd also think that I'd be more worried about my father. But I'm not. Not really. He's my father and when he dies, I'll be upset about it. But he's had one foot in the grave since I was a kid. I've resigned myself to it. 

Unlike Eiri, who's just waiting for him to put the other foot in. 

"That's why Mika's been home so much," I continued. 

"Is that why she wanted you to get out of Kyoto?" 

I shook my head. "Nah, that's just because she thinks if I get any more bored, I'll turn into you." 

Mika is the one that holds together our dysfunctional little family. Poor sis. I really do feel bad for her, honestly. When our mom died, she had to take on the duties she had. I was just a kid then, too -- twelve. Eiri was eighteen. She had to look out for me and Eiri too, who was a hell of a bigger handful than I ever was. 

The only thing expected of Mika was for her to marry and marry well. The only thing expected of Eiri was to become the next temple priest after our father passed away. And I was like the back-up plan if Eiri should ever mess up. Which he did, of course, and so lucky me. 

One of my more amusing duties was looking after Ayaka-chan. It was arranged for her and Eiri to be married for years. He met her once, had a sort of 'mneh' reaction to the entire affair, and then went back to his own life. She was only sixteen then and her father didn't want her to marry until she was eighteen. So it was my job, when she was eighteen, to deliver her to Eiri. She made it a bit hard for me. Took off the night before I was going to take her to Tokyo to find Eiri on her own, got tangled up with Nakano Hiroshi and Shuuichi... women. 

Nah. I like Ayaka-chan. She's a sweet girl. Sweet enough that I'd've hated to see her ruined by someone like Eiri. Like I said, I love my brother, but he's an ass. There's no doubt about that. 

But I guess it worked out for the best. She and Hiroshi are still dating and Shuuichi won Eiri in the end. 

And me, I just watch all of this unfold from the sidelines. Great, huh? 

"But you know," I continued, more to hear my own voice, I think, "Dad's like a cockroach. He'll still be around even if the world explodes." 

"Probably," Eiri agreed. 

He lighted up another cigarette and was about to take a long drag of it when the door was flung open with a cheerful cry of, "Yuki! I'm home!" 

It's hard to describe what exactly happens when Shuuichi comes home. It's one of those things you have to see for yourself to understand. First, he tosses off his shoes in the front foyer, then bounces up, goes to Eiri and plants a kiss on him, takes off his jacket, dumps anything he has with him on the floor, and then goes rooting through the fridge. And he does it while talking. At the sound of light. I'm not kidding. 

"Idiot," Eiri snapped. "Don't just leave your stuff lying around." 

Shuuichi poked up his head from the fridge. He opened his mouth, about to say something, maybe whine about Yuki being mean to him, apologize about being a slob, but it was then that he noticed me. His expression changed into surprise. 

"Tatsuha-san!" 

"Yo, Shuuichi," I returned, grinning. 

Shuuichi suddenly launched himself across the room and latched onto me. "I've got something you don't have," he said, in a sing-song voice. Behind his back, I could see Eiri rolling his eyes. 

I narrowed my eyes. "If you've got the new Nittle Grasper video..." 

He beamed innocence rays. Really. Beamed them. I wanted to slug him one. But instead I just grabbed him by the shoulders and gave him the shaking of his life. 

"Let me see! You jerk!" 

"Ahhhhhh, Tatsuha-san, you're rattling my brains--" 

"As though they could be any more rattled," Eiri interjected. 

I ignored them both. "Cough it up!" 

A little more successfully rattling and Shuuichi crawled away, retrieving the video from where it was beside the TV. Sensing some incoming fan boy moments, Eiri disappeared from the room. I heard the door to his study close and the door lock behind him. Hey, he never said anything about not having Nittle Grasper on the TV, right? 

Shuuichi put in the video and the room was filled with the sounds of Sakuma Ryuuichi. I practically glued myself to the television set. The video of their new single had just been released and was practically impossible to get. I'd gone to every record store in Kyoto and didn't find it anywhere. 

"Sakuma-san gave me this," Shuuichi said. I was reminded of the little molestation incident. Sakuma had given him that tape too. 

"Since Yuki wrote the song," Shuuichi added. 

I glanced at him. The song had more meaning to him than it ever would to me. Sure, it was being sung by the guy I had obsessed over for half my life, and the song was written by my brother, but it didn't mean a thing to me. Eiri had written the song about Shuuichi. That made it mean a whole lot more. 

"Lucky bastard," I muttered. 

He laughed. "Yup." 

The song finished. I leaned back on my elbows. Sad, sick obsession of mine. I don't think I'm ever going to get tired of watching that guy sing. 

"Hey, Tatsuha-san, you should come with me to the studio tomorrow," Shuuichi said abruptly. 

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Serious?" 

"Sure!" He flashed me a broad smile. One of those infectious smiles. I grinned back. 

"All right." 

You know, I can already tell that Eiri is going to want to kill us both by the time these weeks are up. 


	2. Chapter Two

**Author's Notes:** I had to make up the ages. I know they're likely wrong, but I did the best I could! > 

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**Chapter Two**

I woke up feeling like I'd fallen asleep on a steel beam. Rubbing the small of my back, trying to massage some feeling back into my spine, I glared at the couch. Mika had told me that when Shuuichi first moved in with Eiri, he spent most of his nights on the couch. How he'd managed I had no idea. The thing was a damn rock. 

Sighing, I tucked my hands behind my head and stared up at the ceiling. I didn't have any problem with my brother moving in with another guy. That I've always been open-minded to, or else, naturally, I wouldn't be as obsessed with Sakuma Ryuuichi as I am. But it was kind of strange at the time. Hard to get adjusted to. I knew about the five million and a half women Eiri fooled around with; another half of that usually came to me after him. But it'd never been a guy before. 

I liked Shuuichi the second I met him. It's hard not to like a guy that shares an obsession, you know. But it wasn't just because of Nittle Grasper. Something about him just kind of struck me. I thought maybe he could help Eiri. 

I rolled over onto my side. Not like Eiri and I were ever close. I was ten when he went to New York and when he came back, he was someone completely different. But I've always thought no matter how much a person changes or what they do, if they're family, you're stuck with them and you have to care about them anyway. Mika could divorce her husband and decide to move to America to become a Las Vegas showgirl and I'd say more power to her. I guess that's why Eiri and Shuuichi living together didn't bother me as much as it did her and my dad. 

She was just worried about him. Mika's always had to be the protector for us. She was even nastier to all those women Eiri would drag back to his apartment than she ever was with Shuuichi. She does it for me too. Which is why a hell of a lot of the girls I know refuse to hang out around me anymore. The Mikarin Monster might come and eat them, don't you know? 

I could hear the sound of fingers typing away at the keyboard. The more distant sound of Shuuichi snoring drifted down the hall. I sat up, stretched my arms behind my back, and glanced around. What'd they do for breakfast around here? 

Eiri had said not to bother him while writing. Not wanting to tempt the demon, I went into the kitchen and rummaged around the cabinets. No cereal. What the hell kind of place was this? There was some packets of oatmeal shoved into the back of the cabinet, but a glance at them made me wonder if they were radioactive. Eiri'd probably had those ever since he moved in. 

A search through the fridge found some eggs, cheese, and milk. Scrambled eggs I could manage to make. 

At least I thought I could. By the time I was done, it looked more like I had tried to cook a five course meal. Just proof that guys should never be allowed in the kitchen. 

"You idiot," a voice said. "What are you doing?" 

"I made eggs," I said, triumphantly. Hey, I'd never managed to cook something that wasn't burned. I was proud of myself. 

Eiri wasn't much amused. 

"Idiot," he murmured, but much to my relief, it was said in less harsh of a tone. He stepped into the kitchen and started cleaning up the mess I had made. 

"I was gonna do that," I said. 

"Just eat." 

It was one of those 'do as I say or be eaten alive' tones. So of course I did as he said. I plopped down at the table and indulged in my scrambled eggs. Which really weren't the greatest thing I had ever eaten, and I managed to crunch down on a few pieces of shell I'd somehow left behind, but hey. I'd made it myself. I shoveled it all down as sort of a tribute to it. 

And later blamed the 'oh my God just let me die' pain I had in my stomach on that. 

But anyway. 

I washed down my scrambled eggs and shell pieces with a glass of orange juice. Eiri had finished cleaning up the kitchen by then, and I could hear the sound of the shower running down the hall. Shuuichi was up. 

I leaned against the kitchen counter, watching him in this thing I constantly have to get on his case about called 'normalcy.' You'd think, given a guy with Eiri's hard-to-please personality, and tendency to be kind of flighty, he'd hate having a normal life. I mean, as normal as it can get. He is living with another guy, who just so happens to be a complete lunatic, and a popular singer on top of that. But it's amazingly normal for the most part. Really very domestic. 

"Aww," I said, "I can't wait til you guys get married and really get on with this happy couple thing." 

He raised an eyebrow at me. One of those, 'what the hell are you talking about, you idiot?' expressions. 

"'cause it looks like you've got most of it down," I continued. "You stay home and take care of the house, he goes off to work and makes the money..." My eyes lit up. "Hey, that kind of makes you the wife, huh?" 

He hurtled the towel he was holding in his hands at my face. For a towel, you would think that it wouldn't hurt too much. Not when Eiri is throwing it. Knowing him, he probably snuck a knife in there before launching. 

"Aww, c'mon, big brother, I'm just messing around." 

"Shut up," he muttered. 

He glanced around the kitchen, as though suspecting to find another mess of mine lurking somewhere, but apparently satisfied with what he saw he turned and walked out of the kitchen. Shuuichi was coming down the hall as he headed back into his study. He lifted a hand, ran his fingers carelessly through Shuuichi's hair, and kept walking. Shuuichi looked like a toddler with his grubby hand in the cookie jar. 

To anyone else it might have looked like just what it was, just some careless gesture of affection. But not with my brother. That rare of a gesture means something when it's him, Shuuichi knows that, and I know that. 

I kind of feel jealous watching the two of them. Not jealous that my brother is dating this guy, hell no. Shuuichi's a nice guy and all, but aside from the molestation thing (which I swear to God I'm never gonna live down) I really wouldn't see him as worth dating. I'm just jealous that they've got a relationship like theirs. I've never had something that ever has meant that to me. 

I date. I date a lot, actually. Like I've said, I've got about fifteen girlfriends at any point in time. Most of them that think we're something special, that we're going to 'last' or some crap like that. It's not that I don't give a damn about any of them. I do. But I don't see any of them as having any lasting potential. I'll go out with them, we'll have fun, maybe I'll kiss them, but that's about it. 

I did have this one girlfriend. Last year. Haruka-chan. She was really a sweet girl. She reminded me of Ayaka-chan a lot, actually. She was soft-spoken most of the time, but really a strong-willed girl when she had to be. She didn't let anybody walk all over her. I really admired her for that. 

'course, obviously, it didn't work out or else I'd still be with her now, right? Simple truth is I got bored. Yeah, I know, I'm a jackass. Here's this sweet, great girl, that I really did care about, and I was bored. 

Mika said to me once with the way I go through girls, it's amazing that I've managed to keep my obsession with Sakuma Ryuuichi going for so long. I actually thought about it once for a long while. I should have written it all down. A thesis on the inner workings of my own skewed head. 

So, how can the obsession with a thirty-two year old guy that I've met all of twice in my life, the first time at Mika and Touma's wedding, the second at some bar I went to one night with my sister, last so long? I don't get bored. That's all it is. I can watch one of his videos fifty times and not get bored. I can watch an interview with Nittle Grasper one hundred times and not get bored. I can go to millions of his concerts and still, I'll never get bored. 

Yeah, I'm a pathetic raging fan boy. Shut up. 

Which sounds like it's an embarrassing hobby to take up. But I can tell you flat out being a fan boy is the greatest thing to be. A third of the girls I've ever met, I've met through concerts and CD stores, and all of that junk. I'd highly recommend it to any straight boy hoping to pick up a girl. 

"'morning, Tatsuha-san," Shuuichi greeted. "Are you still coming with me to the studio?" 

"Yeah, sure," I answered. "Just let me shower and get dressed." I hopped off the counter, dumping my glass in the sink as I passed it. Eiri would've had a fit if I hadn't. 

"And just Tatsuha," I added. "You're practically married to my brother, you know." 

I grinned when his cheeks lit up to a really peculiar shade of red at that comment. 

I showered and dressed in record flat time. Five minutes or something like that. Hey, I'm a guy. That's all it takes. Jump into the shower, run some shampoo and conditioner through my hair, scrub a little with the soap, leap out, get dressed, and boom. Ready for another day. 

There was one girlfriend I had, I remembered as I pulled a shirt over my head, that spent at least two hours getting ready to go anywhere. Two hours. What the hell can you do in two hours? But then when I started to think about it, I kind of realized I didn't want to know. 

No typing was coming from Eiri's study when I passed by it in the hall. Figuring he must have been having one of his lulls, and was not likely going to kill me for interrupting that (because who really wants to sit staring at a computer screen when there are no words coming?), I poked my head in. 

"See you, big brother. Don't miss us too much." 

He glanced at him, just a quick, brief flick of his eyes. "Aa." He lifted a hand and gave me his signature half-hearted wave. It was better than nothing. I saluted him and backed out of the room. 

I'm never serious around Eiri. I realized that awhile ago. I'm never serious with him unless I absolutely have to be, because I just think maybe if I'm casual and loose around him, maybe he'll loosen up some too. Slim chance to none on that, I know. But he's already burdened down with a million and one other things. I don't need to add to them. 

Shuuichi was waiting for me when I appeared in the living room. We went out and down the emergency fire escape of the apartment building instead of the elevator, which opened up into an alleyway. I was kind of surprised to find that Shuuichi walked to work given the size of a city like Tokyo, but as it turned out the studio was just a few blocks away. My feet were very thankful for this. 

So this was routine for them. Shuuichi would go to the studios in the morning, do some recording, and come back that evening. Maybe they would have dinner together. Maybe not. Maybe Eiri would lavish some attention on him. Maybe not. And then again, the same thing the next day. Routine, routine, routine. Same thing, day in, day out. 

So I had to wonder. Why the hell was Eiri not bored out of his mind yet? 

If it had been anyone else, it would have been over. It would have been ended before it could start. But Shuuichi wouldn't give in to him. He stuck through it all, and was probably still struggling day by day, but he had at least finally found himself a place with Eiri. Finally it was to a point where it would take something drastic -- and I mean drastic -- to get Eiri to dump him. 

And here that jealousy comes back. Not for the fact Shuuichi had to struggle so damn hard, hell no. I need it easy. Handed straight out to me. 'Here, Tatsuha, this is the rest of your life.' Thank you, ma'am. 

Come to think of it, it has been handed to me just like that. Like a fortune cookie. 'You will grow to be a respectful young man that serves his family well.' 

Whoop-dee-fricking-doo. 

But hey. I'm not bitter. I'm not bitter at all. I'm resigned. There's a huge difference between resigned and bitter. If you're bitter, it means you think about it, and you dwell on it, and you imagine how great it could be if things were different. Bitter is staring at yourself in the mirror and thinking, 'if only my hair was a little longer.' Bitter is looking down at a graded test paper and thinking, 'if only I had studied more.' 

Resigned is completely different. Resigned is looking in the mirror and thinking, 'this is as good as it gets.' Resigned is looking down at that exam paper and thinking, 'this is as good as I can do.' 

I'm just resigned. This is what I do. This is who I am. These are the people I'm friends with. Those are the people I date. This is what I will do in the future. 

Blah. Blah. Blah. 

Shuuichi was asking me something. I snapped out of my daze and looked at him with a very eloquent, "Huhwha?" 

"I was wondering why you decided you wanted to come to Tokyo for awhile," Shuuichi repeated. Something seemed oddly serious about his tone to me. Well, not really serious. Shuuichi doesn't have a voice that works well with serious. But he wasn't messing around or joking or anything. 

"Mika decided," I answered. "I just went along with it." 

He blinked. "Eh? Mika-san?" 

I nodded, then shrugged my shoulders. "Yeah, because she thinks if I stay in Kyoto much longer and get any more bored than I am, I'll turn into Eiri." I grinned at him. 

"Well," I continued, musingly, "she may want me to spy on him too. Dad's pretty sick. She probably expects me to drop some hints that'll make him want to go home at least for awhile." 

"Why... does Yuki hate his father so much?" 

I looked at him, surprised. Eiri obviously hadn't opened up all that much to him or else he would have known that. But it didn't surprise me. Eiri avoided talking about our dad period if at all possible. Dad, and family matters, and Mom, and all of that jazz. 

"The usual teenager's contempt for their parents, I guess," I replied. I scratched at the back of my head, a nervous habit of mine. "He never much appreciated having to be the obedient, respectful son, for one. And I think our Mom dying was kind of the end of it for Eiri." 

"Your mom?" 

I try not to think about her, my mother. I was just a kid when she died, barely even twelve. You would think, since Eiri and Mika were so much older than me and had known her for longer, they would have taken it the hardest. But I neither one of them had to sit in the hospital with her. Neither of them had to see as that disease slowly took her life away. Neither of them were there when the life support machines stopped. 

"Yeah." It came out quiet, like a hushed whisper. I tried to cover it up with another smile. "But then Eiri's just a jerk anyway." 

Nice save, Tatsuha. 

Shuuichi didn't push it. Believe it or not, the kid has some tact. He could tell I didn't want to talk about it and he dropped it just like that. I appreciated it. 

Imagine a new CD. Now imagine opening up that CD, carefully stripping off all that wrapping they shove on it that even a chainsaw couldn't get through sometimes, all that sticky tape crap that makes you think, hey I've got it, but you really haven't, and then imagine finally getting that new CD open. Now think of that smell. New CD smell. Like new car smell, only better. 

NG Studios smells like that. 

Shuuichi knew his way around like it was second nature to him. I'd never been to the studio much, and so I just followed him. Mika brought me a few times for random things. I would go out to dinner with her and Touma and we would meet him there, or when I came along with Shuuichi to meet up with Ayaka-chan. Just random stuff. You'd think being the brother-in-law of the president I'd get a little more of an in depth look, but no such perks in this family. 

A ride up the elevator and a turn down the hall, and we walked into a small recording room. Bad Luck had yet to be upgraded to one of the nicer recording rooms, apparently. Or something. 

Sakano, their producer, was there, for once in his life not freaking out over something. So was K, the manager. And I do not for the life of me know his real name. Nakano Hiroshi, the electric guitar player, and Fujisaki Suguru, Touma's cousin and their keyboardist. Shuuichi, of course, was the last to show up, I noticed with a little grin. 

"Sorry for being late!" he said immediately. The typical greeting, I noted, by the unenthusiastic responses of 'good morning' and 'yeah, yeah.' 

"Um, you all remember Uesugi Tatsuha?" 

I lifted a hand. "Yo." 

I practically was barreled over by Sakano suddenly attacking me and asking me questions about how my sister and brother-in-law were doing, if business was going well for Touma, and some other random things I cannot for the life of me remember. I answered his questions as quickly and efficiently as I could. 

Here's something that might be a surprise: Sakano is the biggest Seguchi Touma fan. Ever since he was working with Nittle Grasper, he's thought that the sun and moon rise and set on Touma. See? I'm not the only crazed fan boy in the world. 

"Tatsuha is staying with Yuki for a few weeks," Shuuichi explained. I could tell that he had to bite his tongue to stop from saying Tatsuha-san. He really is a polite guy sometimes. 

I glanced at Hiro. "How's things with Ayaka-chan?" 

I couldn't have asked a better question. His face lit up in color and he smiled, in an embarrassed sort of way. 

"Um... uh, well, good..." 

"Good?" Shuuichi repeated. He threw his arms around Hiro's neck, jabbing him in the side with one hand, the other giving him the noogie of a lifetime. "Just good, huh?" 

"H-hey! Shut up! Get off of me!" 

Ah, puppy love. How sweet. How adorable. And really, it was. Hiro managed to make it look adorable. I almost wanted to go call up Haruka-chan in that moment. Of course, I passed it off as brief insanity, and never did call her... 

I found a place where I was out of the way and not too much of a pain to listen to the recording. It turned out to be a hell of a lot more amusing than I thought it would be. Shuuichi kept forgetting the lyrics. K-san finally went into the recording booth with them, put a magnum to his head, and threatened to pull the trigger if he did not sing it right. Needless to say, Shuuichi got it down flat the next time. 

Sakano had paused the recording for a moment, giving the three of them a breather. I took the opportunity to go into the recording room and tease Shuuichi. 

"You can remember ever exact detail about Eiri from what color of socks he'll wear on Tuesdays and how he keeps all of his books organized alphabetically and by height, but you can't remember two lines in a song you've been singing for the past four months." 

Shuuichi burned red. "That's not true! I just! I! I've got my mind on other things!" 

"Like how he can get all the air that's packed in there out," Hiro said helpfully. Shuuichi whirled on him, growling. I grinned. 

"Somehow, I'm not surprised." 

Shuuichi reared on me this time. "Tatsuha~!" 

I didn't have the chance to respond. Sakano talking to someone from the adjourning room caught our attention and we turned to see what was going on. And who should be standing there none other than Ukai Noriko? 

Small world. 

Same Noriko. I had met her once, seen her on stage a million times more. The one time had, of course, been when Mika and Touma got married. I had been a stupid kid back then period, and being around adults scared the crap out of me, as I remember it. Not to mention the fact weddings are not the most amusing things in the world when you're twelve and your mother just died. 

Geez. That makes me feel like a shrimp. I remember now. I was eight when Mika gave me a Nittle Grasper CD to listen to. She said I might like it. Two years later Eiri went to stay in America. Two years after that, Mika and Touma were married. He was twenty-eight, she was twenty-four. I remember now, because it was after the wedding Nittle Grasper announced that they would be splitting up. Ryuuichi went to America, Touma to his job at NG Studios, and Noriko to working as a lyricist to struggling groups. That was near the end of the year. And just this past year they hooked back up again. 

Scratch that, I don't feel like a shrimp. I feel old. And I feel like a retard for knowing all of that. 

I remember that I was feeling sad that day. It was just two months after Mom had died, and here Dad was, ecstatic that Mika had married someone with such wealth, and of such a great family name, and a friend of our own family, at that. Eiri was his usual not giving a damn self. Mika was... well, Mika. And me, I sat around, twiddling my thumbs, wondering when I could go back to my room and play video games. 

She was loud, I remember that. She still was. 

They were arguing about something. Noriko with her arms folded, lip jutted out in a pout, and Sakano making those dramatic gestures of his and the same panicked expression on his face. 

"What's up?" I asked, glancing back at Hiro. 

He shrugged. "Nittle Grasper's recording their new album too and won't use any room but this one. And this idiot--" He paused to jerk a thumb at Shuuichi. "--won't work in any other room either because he says the 'vibes of Sakuma Ryuuichi' make his singing better." 

"They do!" Shuuichi exclaimed indignantly. 

"So we have to work in shifts," Hiro finished. 

... so in a second now, Sakuma Ryuuichi is going to walk in that door. 

Oh, be still, my beating heart. 

Sakano was trying to tell Noriko that they would be out in another fifteen minutes, tops, but she wasn't listening to him. And I wasn't paying attention to them. Because that's when he did walk in the door. 

Somewhere in the rational portion of my mind, I realize that lusting after a man twice my age is wrong. I really do. But I also realize that for a man that's twice my age, he looks no older than his early twenties, and even more of a perk, he doesn't act his age. 

Okay, and the attraction? I'd like to see you stare at a guy dressed in tight pants and a vest -- a leather vest -- and nothing else and not drool. Go on. Try it, I dare you. 

Staring was apparently what I was doing, too, because Shuuichi suddenly reached over and poked me. 

"Um, Tatsuha? Are you okay?" 

I think I gurgled something about 'Sakuma Ryuuichi oh my freaking God wow' or at least something like it. 

Ryuuichi, looking away from where Noriko and Sakano were still arguing, apparently finally took notice of us in the recording room. His face lit up in a huge smile and in two seconds flat, he was in the room, barreling Shuuichi to the ground in one of the most overpowering glomps I've ever seen. 

"Shuuichi! Eh? Your face is a funny color." 

"Faces do that when people can't breathe," I put in helpfully. I was surprised at how smoothly my voice came out. Not even a crack. Just nonchalant, natural, like talking to the most popular singer in Japan was an everyday occurrence to me. 

Yeah. Right. I'm sure my knees were knocking and I was just doing a damn good job of hiding it. 

Ryuuichi looked up at me. I almost cracked under that gaze. It was intense. I don't know any other word for it. It's the look he has in his eyes when he's singing on stage. 

But it only lasted a second. Suddenly, he was smiling again, clambering off of Shuuichi. I thought in the back of my mind something stupid like, wow he's tall. 

I was doing real well. Real well. 

"Tatsuha-kun," he said. "I haven't seen you in a really long time." 

Well, a few months. Okay, so it's eight months, two weeks, four days, and some odd hours exactly. (Look, I don't make fun of you for your obsessions.) 

"Yeah, well... stuff." I shrugged. How eloquent of me. 

His smile widened. "Hey! Shuuichi, Tatsuha-kun, we should go out tonight! To the bar, like last time!" 

Shuuichi looked as dumbfounded as me. 

"You want to go out with us?" Shuuichi managed to ask. 

"Well, yeah." He looked between the two of us, confused. "And Noriko-chan and Hiro-kun can come too, and anybody else." 

Shuuichi opened his mouth to say something that started out like, "Yu--" and ended with, "--AUGH." I'm sure he didn't much like feeling my heel digging into his toes. 

"That sounds good," I said. 

Ryuuichi beamed. "Great!" 

And you know, I really thought it would be. I'm such a dumb ass. 


	3. Chapter Three

**Author's Notes:** So a nice person was kind enough to inform me that Touma is thirty-two, Noriko is twenty-eight, and Ryuuichi is either the same as Touma or thirty, I keep hearing varying things. But generally how I have written it so far was with it in mind that Ryuuichi was the same age as Touma, maybe a year younger. Bah, confusing ages... (and Mika being 28 and Yuki 22 and Tatsuha 16 and Shuuichi 19, etc. etc. etc.) 

I really appreciate the reviews I have gotten on this and the praise for Tatsuha's characterization. It really means a lot to me. ^^ Thanks and please enjoy. 

--------

**Chapter Three**

'The bar' as Ryuuichi referred it is actually this bar-slash-cafe-slash-multi purpose place. When Mika first started to date Touma -- seems like five million years ago these days -- it was where they would always go. Nittle Grasper was big around then, and the owner of the place was a personal friend of Touma. He would always gladly shut down shop to give them a place to go to when the fame got to be too much. 

I went once with Mika when I was younger, with she and Touma. She was stuck baby-sitting me or something, lucky girl. I don't remember how old I was. Maybe ten or eleven. Because she and Touma got married when I was twelve, then Nittle Grasper split up early that year, and were split up for almost three. And since I'm almost seventeen now, I guess that evens out to three years. Or something. Who knows. 

Most people look at Mika and Touma and wonder why they even stay together. Popular rumor is that Touma married Mika to be closer to Eiri. And in some cases, it's true. Even I know that. But if it were completely true, do you really think I wouldn't have beat the crap out of him by now? Well... I would try to anyway. No one messes with Mikarin like that. 

But I questioned it for awhile too. I'm not an idiot. I saw the looks he gave my brother, these looks that anyone could have read if they were looking hard enough. The whole world saw it, and the whole world wondered why the marriage. Rumors went around in the tabloids that Touma had married to be closer to 'some mystery man.' It was total bull shit. 

Touma cares about Eiri. That much is true. He does a lot for Eiri because he cares about him. Mika told me once that Touma feels responsible for him too, for something or another. But from what I can see, that's all it is. Mika and Touma don't look like the world's happiest couple on the surface, but they are happy. No joke. 

Anyway. The bar. Like I said, there was the one time with Mika and Touma, and then there was another far more amusing time. It was back when Shuuichi had first moved in with Eiri and I showed up to drop the bombshell about Ayaka-chan. Mika showed up too. Eiri got so annoyed with the three of us, he pitched us straight out the door. So Mika suggested that we go to the bar. Where, would wonders never cease, the former members of Nittle Grasper were hanging out for the evening. 

You can imagine my fan boy tendencies went absolutely out of whack. 

I didn't get drunk, though I seriously wanted to. Mika wouldn't have let me. I did, however, pretend to come down with some outrageous illness, spattering about the craziest symptoms. The devious little plan worked and I got to spend the entirety of the evening in a back room with Ryuuichi. Not that anything happened, damn it all. He mostly talked about random things and I listened. 

We stayed long enough at the studio to listen to Ryuuichi do some vocals for their new album with Noriko doing back-up on the keyboards. Touma was, of course, missing from the scene, but it's not all that surprising. It wasn't a big deal either, since Noriko could manage well enough on her own. Touma is more of an added bonus these days. He's not much involved in the actual making of the music, just in the producing of it and seeing it on the shelves. He goes to the concerts for the sake of millions of undying fans. 

Shuuichi and them did a few more songs of their own before they called an end to the day. I asked Fujisaki and Hiroshi if they wanted to come with us, but both declined. Fujisaki on account of being a prude-ish kind of guy (seriously, the word 'fun' is not in his vocabulary) and Hiro because he said that he was expecting a phone call from Ayaka-chan. Shuuichi made a big deal of teasing him about it for awhile before finally letting up on him and letting him go. 

Now the problem was Shuuichi, who kept claiming that if we didn't tell Eiri where we were going and who we were going with, and yadda yadda ya, that he'd get pissed with us. I didn't really give a damn one way or another. But just to appease him, I let Shuuichi call him up to say what was up. I could hear him from the cell phone. He didn't sound to terribly interested. Then Shuuichi handed the phone to me and Eiri told me, in his oh-so-deadpan voice, to be back before midnight. 

Jerk. 

We walked to the bar. By then it was around dusk, but Shuuichi still wore shades. He had learned the hard way that not at least doing something to hide the fact that he was a popular singer was bad news. Which I heard about only second-hand and was really too afraid to bring up. I mean, how do you go around asking a guy about something like that? It's too uncomfortable. I wouldn't do it. 

And, with my luck, it would just figure that we would walk in and there would be Touma and Mika. I nearly turned right back around and left. Considering how mad at me Mika was for the last episode, thinking I'd done something apparently (not that I would've been averse to it, hell no), I kind of doubted she'd be too hot on hearing that Shuuichi and I were here to meet up with Sakuma Ryuuichi for some drinks. 

They were having dinner. The sign outside had said closed, but since Shuuichi and I both knew about the owner closing it down just for certain patrons sometimes, we figured Ryuuichi might've been there already and went in. Unfortunately, we went in not to the sight of the most gorgeous man in existence (sorry, I'm fan boying again) but to my sister and her husband. 

Ouchu. 

She leveled me with this piercing gaze from across the room. "Tatsuha?" 

I tried to grin. "Hey, sis. Touma." 

Touma smiled. One thing I notice him is his utter inability to show anything but absolute calm and charm. Either he's smiling cheerfully at you while telling you you've been fired, or he's being a completely charming prick. He can do one or the other perfectly well. They're his two modes. 

I dragged Shuuichi over with me to where they were sitting and pulled up a stray chair. Shuuichi looked like he thought it was kind of rude to interrupt, but I knew them all too well to know it didn't matter. Besides, Mika would want to keep an eye on me, and it would be easier if I was closer and not at the bar. 

"What brings you two here?" Touma asked. Nice guy mode. I wondered sometimes when I was younger if he was just putting on some act when he was around me or my family to make himself look better. I'm still not sure on whether or not he was. I don't think it was a matter of doing it deliberately, really, he just seems to be able to do that... get people to trust him so readily with his smiles and charm. 

Actually, it's kind of creepy. 

Shuuichi pointed to me. "Him." 

I made a face back. "Ryuuichi told us to meet him here," I explained. 

Mika raised an eyebrow at me. "You two are on a first name basis now?" 

I made the same face I had at Shuuichi at her. She rolled her eyes and looked away. 

"How are things with Eiri?" she asked after a few minutes of silence. It wasn't uncomfortable silence, but I could tell by the way Shuuichi was twitching he thought it was. Then again, he'd never been very comfortable around Mika from what I knew, and even less around Touma. Being his boss and all, I guess. 

"He gave me a curfew," I answered blandly, reaching over to snatch some food from her plate. She tried to slap my hand away, but wasn't quick enough. Grinning, I popped the food into my mouth and munched. 

"You have a curfew at home too," she said. Always the peacemaker. I sighed. 

"Yeah, but I thought you wanted me to live Kyoto to broaden my horizons. See new sights, meet new people, experience new things!" 

"You can do those things before midnight." 

Sigh. Sisters. 

Shuuichi and I left them and went over to the bar. Mika made a point of telling the bartender not to serve us anything with even a drop of liquor in it. Grumbling under my breath, I asked for a coke. Shuuichi got himself a Sprite. 

"Sisters are a pain in the ass," I complained. I folded my arms on the bar top and rested my head against them, glancing at Shuuichi from the corner of my eye. "Don't you have one?" 

Glass raised up to his mouth, he blinked at me for a second before setting it back down on its coaster. He nodded. "I have a younger sister," he answered. "Maiko." 

"Maiko, huh. Do you get along?" 

He grinned sheepishly. "Sometimes." 

The radio was playing some low, boring, mood music. I felt like I was standing in an elevator. I crossed my eyes, staring at a strand of hair that always falls out across my forehead, so that it kept fading in and out of focus. 

"But you know," I said, watching the strand blur again and having blink my eyes a couple of times to focus normally, "they're good to have. Sisters, I mean. Siblings at all, really." I frowned. "Well, Eiri was better when I was younger..." 

Shuuichi looked at me, curiously. "What do you mean?" 

I glared at the strand now. As if I could will it away or something. 

"He was a lot easier to get along with. He was a quiet kid. He spent a lot of time reading. And he liked to be around Mom and Mika. But when he came home from New York, he was completely different." 

I sat up and ran a hand through my hair. Shuuichi wasn't saying anything, and a little confused, I turned to look at him. He was gnawing at his lower lip, eyes averted. 

"Hey." I waved my hand in front of his face. He blinked. 

"Oh! Sorry." Sheepish smile back in place. 

I frowned at him, but let it drop. Shrugging my shoulders, I took another swig of my coke. Would have been better with some liquor with it. Not that I drink. Of course not. 

Okay, sometimes. 

"I get this feeling somebody's not telling me something a lot of the time," I announced. 

"Um... why do you think that?" 

"Because everybody probably is," I said pointedly. "Nobody ever tells the truth, they just want yes men." 

He gave me a bewildered look. I laughed and reached over to ruffle up his hair. 

"Don't worry about it." 

Sometimes I really do feel like no one is telling me anything. It's not that I lead a very sheltered life. It was just that it never seemed to cross anyone's mind that it might be necessary to tell me things. I didn't know my mother was sick until she began the treatment. They thought that it would be for my own good not to know, so I couldn't dwell on it. And when they did tell me, they had the balls to look me in the face and say that everything would be all right. They knew damn well that I knew nothing would be all right. 

Even now, and I'm practically seventeen. It's got to stop. 

The door to the bar was opened and in strutted Ryuuichi, Noriko behind him. Both of them had changed into more casual clothes than when we were in the studio, Noriko with her hair down and looking less flamboyant than usual, even with hair that kind of lavender, and Ryuuichi with his pushed back from his face with a red bandana. Some strands still fell out across his forehead, making the effort to keep the hair from his eyes a useless one. 'course, those random strands of hair just make people better looking in my opinion. Something about how it makes the shadows fall on their faces. So I wasn't about to complain. 

Nah. Not biased at all. 

Ryuuichi saw us, smiled and waved, and then noticed Touma and Mika. With a, "Touma~!", he bounded across the room and practically barreled Touma over backwards in one of his killer glomps. Noriko sighed and came to sit with us at the bar. 

I sometimes feel out of place with these big celebrity types. My brother is one of Japan's most popular authors, particularly with the female crowd, and all of his books have gone to the best sellers list. His boyfriend just so happens to be an equally popular icon of Japanese entertainment. My sister is married to the president of NG Records and a former member of Nittle Grasper. 

And I am a sixteen-going-on-seventeen kid training to become a temple priest. 

Hoo boy. 

Ryuuichi bounded back over to us. He took the seat unoccupied next to me. Noriko had snagged the one beside Shuuichi, and all for the better, as far as I was concerned. 

But then I was rather disappointed to find how tongue-tied I was. I didn't understand it. It's not like I'm a shy person. I'm not at all. I'll tell anyone straight to their face what I think of them, and if I see someone I'm attracted to, I'm on them like ... glue to paper. (Or some other appropriate analogy -- never was good at those.) And I had been anything but reserved the last encounter I had with Ryuuichi. 

Maybe I was maturing a bit? 

What a joke. 

"You're staying with your brother, Tatsuha-kun?" 

I looked up, surprised to find that Ryuuichi was looking at me and asking me something. He and Noriko had already ordered from the bar, Noriko a Martini with a cherry and he a coke. I wondered if he had it spiked with anything. He didn't seem like the type to be a drinker. Then again, I wouldn't know. No articles ask Sakuma Ryuuichi if he likes to get a little tipsy. 

But I could recite you his shoe size, favorite color, birth date, very childhood toy, very music album, and favorite food in half a second flat. 

"Uh huh," I said. I took a swig of my coke. "Mika wants me to uh... broaden my horizons." My God, that sounded dorky. And it wasn't even true. What she wanted was for me to get all my 'wild teenage inhibitions' out of my system so that I could go back home to Kyoto and play the obedient son. 

The more I think about it, the more I realize how bitter I sound about that. Not so much resigned anymore, am I? 

He smiled at me. Geez. That is one beautiful smile. What makes it so beautiful is the fact he has no idea it is. 

All right, getting poetic and fluffy and stupid. Shut up, fan boy brain. 

"How long will you be here?" he asked. 

"A few weeks, maybe a month at the most," I answered. 

"Then you should come to the concert!" 

"Concert?" 

The smile became a beam. "Bad Luck and Nittle Grasper! Shuuichi and I get to sing together again." He sounded so delighted and enthusiastic about it, it was hard not to smile back at him. 

But then I promptly whirled around on Shuuichi, who was talking to -- rather, being talked at -- Noriko. He nearly jumped out of his skin when I clamped my hands down on his shoulders. 

"Why the hell didn't you tell me anything about a concert?!" I demanded. 

"Wah!" He pulled his arms up over his head, as though to protect himself from an incoming beating. "I forgot about it! Really! I forgot! I'm not lying!" 

I frowned at him, but released his shoulders. "You do so lie." 

"Do not!" 

I reached for my coke. I should have been paying attention. My hand closed around Ryuuichi's instead. He wasn't paying attention either. It wasn't until I tasted chalk-like taste of liquor running down my throat that I realized it was the wrong drink. 

So Sakuma Ryuuichi really does spike his drinks, I thought distantly, and then proceeded to nearly hack up my lungs. 

"Tatsuha-kun!" Ryuuichi was patting me on the back, looking at me with these adorably concerned eyes. "Are you okay?" 

What's a little scalding burning sensation down your throat when you're looking into eyes like those? 

"F-fine," I managed to cough out. "Just fine." 

My head was beginning to hurt a little. Strong drink. 

Actually, it didn't taste half-bad once I got over that initial shock. I haven't really got the stomach for drinking. It goes to my head faster than sugar to Shuuichi's system. I haven't got the taste for it either. It either tastes like absolute nothing and yet is somehow awful or like chalk. It always feels... fuzzy going down my throat. I don't know how to explain it. 

But there isn't much to do in Kyoto with your friends when you're feeling rebellious. Okay, so it's peer pressure completely. And while it's fun to be drunk, what you do when you're drunk combined with how you feel in the morning doesn't make it worth the effort. 

Not that it stops me. 

So really, you get used to the taste, no matter how bad it is and how much I'd just like to spit it all out. 

Ryuuichi was still looking at me with those wide blue eyes. I forced a smile. 

"Really, I'm okay. It just went down the wrong way." That sounded like a valid excuse. 

Mika was frowning at me from where she and Touma were seated. I tossed her my best charismatic smile. She sighed, rolled her eyes, and turned away from me. 

I took another swig of Ryuuichi's drink. Hey, he hadn't noticed and wasn't complaining, and some liquor would do good to loosen me up. That was the brilliant theory at the time, anyway. 

You'd be surprised how fast I was able to down that drink. I wondered if Ryuuichi was even aware and was just letting me get away with it, or if he really was too dense to notice. Either way, by the time Touma and Mika left, Mika with a harsh warning for me to behave and to be home when Eiri expected me to be, I'd had the entire drink knocked back. And when Ryuuichi realized that, he seemed surprised that he had been the one to finish it so quickly, and he ordered another. 

I knocked that back too. And the one that came after that one. And after that one. 

By the time eleven o'clock rolled around, I was just a wee bit tipsy on my toes. 

"Tatsuha," Shuuichi began, "Yuki probably is wondering where we are..." 

"Eiri has absolutely no sense of adventure," I muttered. "That jerk. Midnight curfew! Midnight! Honestly." 

Noriko sighed. "I think you've had quite a bit to drink, Tatsuha-kun." 

"Yes!" I declared. "Quite a bit." 

Looking back on it now, I realize what an idiot I was being. I really do. I just want to make that very clear to you. 

Ryuuichi, munching on the cherry from Noriko's Martini, smiled at Shuuichi. "I can make sure Tatsuha-kun gets home okay if you want to go ahead." 

Shuuichi looked like that was the worst idea he had ever heard, but was careful to hold his tongue. 

"Go, go, go," I said, waving a hand at him. "Tell Eiri I'll be back... uh... later." 'Later' translated of course as anytime within the next week and Shuuichi knew it. He also knew that Eiri would be pissed. He does a good job of pretending like he doesn't care what I do, but he wouldn't have made up that curfew to begin with if he didn't care at all. 

Shuuichi sighed. "Okay." 

Both he and Noriko left. Alone with Sakuma Ryuuichi. 

And I was drunk. 

"Shuuichi really cares about Yuki Eiri, huh." 

His voice sounded distant. I blinked, frowned a little, and glanced over at him. He had a drink in his hand, a spiked coke I think I hadn't managed to steal from him. But he didn't look like he was interested in the drink. His expression was kind of wistful; thoughtful. I wondered what he was thinking about. 

"Yup," I answered. "More than anything. It's good for Eiri. He needs somebody like Shuuichi." 

He smiled at me again, the usual dopey smile. "That's good." 

"I guess so," I agreed. My vision was becoming blurry. I could already feel a headache coming on. Early hangovers. They exist, I swear. They're a bitch and a half too. Not to mention painful. 

"You don't look so good, Tatsuha-kun." 

I was beginning to think that wasn't half-wrong. Those eggs I had made that morning weren't settling too happily in my stomach. 

"I think I'm gonna..." 

I didn't get to finish. Sudden upchucking will do that to you. I picked myself up and ran straight to the bathroom and into the nearest stall. If I hadn't been drunk, I would have realized I was in the women's room and not the men's. But of all the stupid things I'd ever done, I didn't rank going into the wrong bathroom very high on the list. Not when it was either go to the first one I came to or woof my cookies all over the floor. 

"Ugh." 

I leaned my head against the side of the stall. So throwing up in the women's bathroom really wasn't that bad on my list of Stupid Ass things. Getting drunk in front of Sakuma Ryuuichi and having to run out of the room to throw up, however, ranks right up with number one and two. 

Ah, brilliance. Pure brilliance. 

"Tatsuha-kun?" 

A hand touched my forehead, smoothing away my hair from my face. I cracked open an eye and saw Ryuuichi looking at me with that same concern in his eyes. I felt too sick to think about how cute that was. 

"Come on," he said. He looped an arm around my waist and hoisted me up to my feet. I was kind of surprised at how easily he was able to do it. At first glance he has the build of any ordinary awkward teenager. It's hard to remember sometimes he's already past his twenties. 

He smiled at me. Not the dopey smile or the disarming smile, but this weird smile. This knowing, amused smile. 

"You shouldn't drink so much, Tatsuha-kun. It's bad for you!" 

... he had known all along I was downing his drinks. Bastard. 

"I'll take you home." 

He was still smiling at me. He was getting a riot out of this, I could tell. I was beginning to realize that the Sakuma Ryuuichi I knew from concerts and videos and interviews was nothing like the Sakuma Ryuuichi I was with. 

Who cared? I got to be walked home with the arm of an outrageously sexy man around me. 

And what sixteen year old in their right mind would complain about _that_? 


	4. Chapter Four

**Author's Notes:** *gasp* I finished another chapter within a day of posting another! This is a record for me! Well, this chapter was easy. There wasn't really much to do with aside from what's in it and I didn't want to get too far ahead of myself and do a whole lot more. It was easy to write and liked how it turned out. 

Random note: I was also informed that Tatsuha is taller than Ryuuichi. ^^ This is true. But I just wanted Ryuuichi to be taller... so he is. Uh. *sweatdrop* Sorry. 

--------

**Chapter Four**

Here is your math equation for the day. 

Liquor and coke plus woofing up your cookies in the women's bathroom plus being dragged home by your crush equals? 

Waking up in a strange bed in a strange apartment. 

I knew when I opened my eyes that I wasn't where I was supposed to be. For one, I was comfortable. The couch in Eiri's apartment is not comfortable. Secondly, I was staring up at a skylight in the ceiling. And thirdly and most importantly, I was in a bed that was not mine and definitely not my brother's wrapped up in warm blankets and surrounded by about five hundred pillows. 

I sat up in the blink of an eye and quickly realized how stupid that was. The morning hangover rush flattened me out again. No more sudden, quick movements for me. 

The night before was a complete blur. I remembered drinking too much. I remembered that Ryuuichi had known I was drinking and hadn't done a thing to stop me, and had seemed to be pretty damn amused when I was in the bathroom woofing up my cookies. He had offered to take me home. We were walking along the sidewalk, he supporting me, when I had felt like I was going to throw up again. I was nauseous. But I didn't throw up. 

I passed out. 

Oh God, I passed out. I got drunk in front of Sakuma Ryuuichi, I threw up in front of Sakuma Ryuuichi, and then I _passed out on Sakuma Ryuuichi_. 

I grabbed one of the pillows and shoved it down over my head. If any of the great gods above loved me, they would let me die slowly and painfully now. 

I suddenly remembered all of the times that Mika had lectured me for drinking too much. She always said it would come back to kick me in the ass. Damn her for always being right. 

Suffocation didn't seem to be working all too well. I removed the head from my pillow, and careful to be more slow this time, I sat up and looked around. Definitely was not home. The bedroom wasn't much, about the same size as Eiri's. It wasn't anything fascinating to the eyes either. Just the bed and some dressers, just your ordinary apartment bedroom aside from that skylight. I looked back up at it again. I could see the sun shining and clouds in the sky. Mocking me and my hangover. Damn you, sky, and your fluffy white clouds. 

I was still dressed in the clothes I had been wearing the night before. Thank God for small favors, I hadn't managed to throw up all over my own clothing. My shoes were the only thing missing, which wasn't too surprising and didn't bother me much. Who went to bed wearing shoes? 

I tested out my feet on the floorboards to see if they were willing to support me. My knees didn't turn to rubber when I put my weight on them, and so I took the risk to stand up completely. My head began to swim a little, but I managed to stay upright. I deserved a cookie. I could stand! 

Hey, I thought it was a damn good accomplishment at the time. 

The door was pulled to just a bit to muffle the sounds from outside of the bedroom. I nudged it open and peeked my head out. Hallway. The bedroom was at the end. There was another door leading into what I assumed was the bathroom, and one more leading into another bedroom. The hallway opened out probably to the living room and kitchen. All the floors were wood. I was reminded a bit of Eiri's place, but something was a bit different. It seemed more welcoming than Eiri's place. More... warm and homey, I guess. 

I walked down the hall. As I got closer, I could hear the sound of something frying on a stove, and someone's voice humming softly. I reached the end of the hall and peeked around the room a bit warily. 

The source of the humming was coming from my left. And who of course should I see but none other than Sakuma Ryuuichi? It should have been obvious. I was in his apartment. 

I was in Sakuma. Ryuuichi's. Apartment. 

I have died and gone to fan boy heaven. 

"Oh, Tatsuha-kun! 'morning!" He looked over his shoulder and smiled at me. 

I tried to work my mouth, but nothing would come out. 

"Are you hungry?" He poked a little at the scrambled eggs he was making in the frying pan. "I don't think I messed them up too bad..." 

"They can't be worse than mine." Oh, point for me. A whole sentence! 

I sat down at the bar that overlooked the kitchen on a swerving stool. I had to resist the urge to spin myself around like a kid. Ryuuichi seemed to think his breakfast edible enough after he poked at it for awhile, and I was treated to a good old fashioned western styled breakfast, complete with scrambled eggs (that really did look better than mine) and pancakes. I guess living in America for three years had made him more accustomed to their kind of breakfasts than the usual Japanese ones. 

"Uh..." I poked a bit at the food. "I... uh... um, sorry about uh... well, last night and all..." 

He grinned. "Drinking really is bad for you, you know." 

I wanted to say that he could have stopped me anytime, but instead just replied meekly, "I know." 

"You got sick again when I was walking you home and passed out. I didn't know where I was going, so I brought you back here." 

He said it with his usual bright, cheerful smile, in that disarming, dopey voice of his. It was hard to imagine someone with that face and that voice actually being a whole lot smarter than he pretended to not be. He knew I had been drinking. He hadn't gotten directions to Eiri's place from me, so he had brought me back to his apartment. I was beginning to wonder if he just liked to play the idiot. 

"Thanks," I said. "I think..." 

He cocked his head at me. Like a puppy, I'm not kidding. It was fricking adorable. 

"You think?" 

"My brother is gonna be pissed." I hadn't just broken his curfew rule, I had stomped all over it and flattened it to the ground. He'd have my head. 

I wondered... would he make me go back home? 

"Won't he be glad you're okay?" Ryuuichi asked curiously. 

Maybe. There was another thing to wonder about. He doesn't seem like he'd care... 

"I dunno," I admitted. 

Ryuuichi looked confused, but he didn't pressure the subject. 

"I'll take you home when you're done, okay?" Smiling again. I nodded. 

I wasn't in any rush to finish eating and get back to Eiri's place. Not because I wanted to soak up all the attention I was getting from Ryuuichi, believe it or not, but because I seriously did not want to go back. I didn't think he'd lecture me. Not really. Mika would have grilled me to death for it if she could, but Eiri wouldn't. He probably wouldn't say anything. He would just look at me and that would be enough. 

To tell you the truth, when I was a kid, I was Eiri's shadow. My mom used to love to tell her friends that. "Little Tatsuha is like Eiri's shadow. He wants to be just like his big brother." I'd follow him around everywhere tagging at his heels. I just wanted him to notice me and pay attention to me. When I got older, I stopped caring as much about getting his attention. And when he left for New York, I didn't care at all. 

It's not that he ignored me. But Eiri is six years older than me. He didn't want his obnoxious little brother following him around all of the time. 

It sort of gave me a complex about not wanting to let him down, is all. So I wasn't much looking forward to that look of his. It'd be all he needed to do to make me feel like a squished bug. 

"It's not good?" 

I looked up at Ryuuichi. He was watching me with a little bit of a hurt expression on his face. I hadn't really touched the food. 

"Oh, no, it's good! It's really good. I just was thinking." To prove it really was good, I shoveled down some more food. It made him smile, and that was enough for me. 

Shoveling it down just proved to make it go away faster, and before I knew it, Ryuuichi and I were driving out of the garage at his apartment in his car. I practically drooled on the thing when I saw it. A red Ferrari. Oooh yum. 

Hey, I may be a fan boy, but I'm still a guy. Cars are good. Fast cars are better. 

This was a fast car. It wasn't long before we were pulling up to the curb of Eiri's apartment complex. 

"I'll go up with you," Ryuuichi said as I unbuckled and stepped out. He slipped on a pair of sunglasses and joined me. As though some sunglasses were going to hide the fact that he was Sakuma Ryuuichi. We were just lucky there weren't five million people wandering around that could recognize him. 

"You don't have to." 

He flashed me that smile again. "It's okay." 

Well, it's not like I was going to try hard to convince him not to. 

It seemed rude to barge into the place, even if it did belong to my brother. I knocked on the door and stood back. I could hear a radio playing somewhere, probably Shuuichi's, and then Eiri yell to him to turn it down. The sound became more muffled and I could hear footsteps approaching the door. It opened up and there stood Eiri. 

"Hiya, big bro." It came out a lot more casual and light-hearted than I thought it would. His eyes narrowed in on me, and then apparently just then noticing Ryuuichi, fell to him. Ryuuichi didn't even squirm. 

"Where were you?" Eiri asked finally. He didn't sound concerned. He was more irritated than anything else. 

"I... er..." 

"Tatsuha-kun got a little sick and couldn't make it home last night." I stared at Ryuuichi. What was he doing? 

He smiled brightly at Eiri. "I had to take him home with me, but he's okay now." He didn't seem to expect a thanks or anything from Eiri. He just continued to smile at him while Eiri stared back like he had never seen something quite like him before. 

"I'll see you later, Tatsuha-kun. Bye!" 

Ryuuichi turned around and walked away, hands in pockets, leaving me and Eiri to stare after him. 

Finally Eiri shook his head and moved away from the door to let me inside. Shuuichi was sprawled out on the couch listening to his stereo. He sat up at the sight of me. 

"Tatsuha! Are you okay?" 

"Sure," I said. 

Eiri was giving me the look. I tried not to look back at him. 

"So. Got a little drunk, did we?" He was practically smirking. I wanted to punch him. 

"Go to hell, Eiri," I said, going over to the couch to flop down beside Shuuichi. "And don't lecture me. I've already got a hangover to tell me what an idiot I was." 

"Oh, I won't. I'll let Mika do it." 

He disappeared down the hall. Son of a bitch. Mika was coming over? I was definitely going to get a new breathing hole torn when she heard from him about my getting drunk episode. She would probably think I had done it all just to get Ryuuichi to pay attention to me. And then that would lead to her demanding to know what had happened while we were alone together... 

I love my sister, but sometimes I wish that when she worried, she would just worry. Not combine it with making me seem like the bad guy all the time. 

"He didn't sleep last night," Shuuichi said suddenly. 

I blinked at him. "What? Who?" 

"Yuki. He stayed up waiting for you." 

I found that hard to believe. 

"So he's grumpy," Shuuichi continued. He always made excuses for Eiri. I wondered if he would ever just get sick of it. Probably not. I bit my tongue to keep from telling him Eiri was just grumpy because there was a stick lodged up his ass. 

He hopped up. "I've got to go to the studio. You probably don't want to come, huh?" 

"Headache," I said. I made use of his unoccupied space to stretch out lazily. 

"See you, then!" He pranced down the hall to say goodbye to Eiri. A few minutes later he was prancing out the door. Eternally happy. I promised myself then I would get him drunk and let him feel the affects of a hangover, so help me God. He would know the pain. 

I found myself lying there thinking about Ryuuichi. Surprise, surprise. I was thinking about him, but I didn't know what to think about at all. I don't what it was I had imagined him to be. I saw him on videos, doing interviews on TV, live at concerts, but it never gave me a glimpse into who he really was. Mika had known him longer than me. I had asked her once what he was like. She said he was indescribable. It hadn't helped me much. 

Indescribable seemed to be right word, come to think of it. He had this happy-go-lucky image combined with this airheadedness about him. But the airhead aspect was just some kind of face. He really was smart. An airhead wouldn't have noticed me downing his drinks. An airhead wouldn't have stared back at Eiri like they were equals. 

I didn't know what to think. I just thought that I wanted to know more. 

One thing was for sure, he was a nice guy. I don't think he helped me because I'm Touma's brother-in-law or I'm the younger brother of his friend's boyfriend. He just helped me out because he wanted to. He wasn't humoring me or anything. He was just being a nice guy. 

I don't know when it was that I fell asleep. But the next thing I knew, a pillow had been flattened against my head, and Eiri stood looming above me. 

"What the hell are you doing?!" I snapped at him. 

"Nothing." 

I sat up, practically growling. I opened my mouth prepared to make his ears bleed when I noticed it wasn't just me and Eiri in the apartment. 

"Oh. Hi, sis." 

She folded her arms. "Eiri says you got drunk last night." 

I glared at him. He smirked. 

"And you made yourself a nuisance to Ryuuichi." 

"I did not," I grumbled. "He just helped me out. And anyway, you're here to nag Eiri, not me." I'd rather have her on his case than mine. I always got defensive and high-strung when I was the one being scrutinized. Eiri just rolled his eyes and let it go without a thought of it. He could handle it better than I could. 

"Don't change the subject," Mika said. "You didn't come back last night either." 

"I passed out!" 

"You shouldn't have been drinking in the first place." 

"I know that!" 

Eiri just stood there, smoking his cigarette, watching the two of us argue. 

"Eiri is responsible for you while you're here, Tatsuha," Mika said. She had calmed her tone a bit and was trying to sound neutral about the whole thing. I muttered a few not nice things under my breath. "You have to obey his rules," she continued, "or I'll just take you back to Kyoto." 

I bit my lip. I don't know why I looked at Eiri then. I guess I was pleading with him silently for some help. 

And would wonders never cease, he came to my rescue. 

"It's all right," he said. "It was just one night." 

Mika whirled on him. "But--" 

"If he screws up again, then I'll take him back home." 

She sighed. "If you say so..." 

I stared at him. Why was he helping me out? You would think he would be more eager than anyone to take any chance he could get to get me out of his place. His anti-social habits combined with the fact he has it out for his family should have been enough to get me kicked out my ass. So why the help? 

I hoped he didn't expect some kind of bizarre favor in return. 

I tuned them out then. I didn't want to listen to them argue about whether or not he should come home for a few days. I fished out my duffel bad from underneath the couch and found my CD player. I replaced their voices with the sounds of Nittle Grasper and thought about Ryuuichi again. 

Two days in Tokyo and I had already slept in the bed belonging to the object of my obsession. Plus one. Two days in Tokyo and I had already managed to get myself into trouble and hanging on a thread between staying and going home. Minus one. Things were balancing out pretty evenly. 

I wondered if I would get to see him again. I hoped I did. It would be fun. 

He had invited me to that concert Nittle Grasper and Bad Luck were doing. Maybe I'd drag Eiri along. Shuuichi would be happy about that, and it would get me a ride and I'd get to see Ryuuichi again. 

It's funny. I knew nothing would happen between us. Not romantically and not in lust. He may not have seen me just as the brother-in-law of Seguchi Touma, but I knew he did not see me as anything more than a friend, at the most. But I still wanted to be around him even if it hurt to know that. To know I was just some kid that maybe he liked to talk to and be around, but nothing else. 

I don't know. I never thought about it, really, knowing Sakuma Ryuuichi on a more personal level. I was always content to just watch him from a distance. I knew if I did that I wouldn't be able to make myself look like a complete idiot in front of him, which I had proved the night before was all I was capable of. 

I remembered once reading an article in some gossip column titled something stupid like, 'who is the mystery person in the life of famous singer Sakuma Ryuuichi?' He hadn't been dating anyone. The story had been complete bull. But I remembered reading it and feeling jealous. As though I had a claim to him. 

What would I do if it suddenly came out that Ryuuichi had somebody in his life? 

I didn't know. 

Somebody nudged my arm. I opened my eyes. Eiri again. 

I tugged down the headphones. "What?" 

"Are you hungry?" 

I sat up and looked around. Mika was gone. I had managed to get through the entire CD without even noticing her leaving. 

"I guess," I answered. 

Eiri held out my jacket to me. "Come on. I'll take you out to lunch." 

More than a little bewildered, I took the outstretched jacket from him. "What's up with the nice guy schpiel?" 

"Don't get used to it." 

I grinned at him. 

"Oh, don't worry. I won't." 

I pulled on my jacket as I followed him out of the apartment. He locked the door behind us and then headed down to the parking garage. I was tempted to ask him what body-snatcher had come and invaded his body and where was my real brother, but bit my tongue. Those rare times Eiri is a nice guy you learn to appreciate and not take for granted. You don't push those moments either. I really wanted to test the waters and ask if I could drive, but I knew that wouldn't go over brilliantly. 

We went to some place that looked nice but not too nice that I would be worrying constantly about my behavior. Apparently it was somewhere that Eiri frequented, because the second the host saw him, he was sweeping his way through the people waiting for a table and fawning over him. I mean it, fawning over him. I tried not to laugh in his face. A plus of it was that we got seated straight away. Must be nice to be a country-wide famous author. 

"Did Mika want to bug you about Dad?" I asked. The waiter came over and asked for our drink orders before he could answer. I ordered a coke, Eiri a scotch on ice. 

"What else does she ever want?" he answered. 

"It's not really that bad," I said. "Well, it's bad, but it's not awful..." 

He shrugged. Not the topic to discuss, I guessed. I let it go. 

"Thanks about defending me back there," I said instead. 

The waiter brought our drinks. Damn him. Kept interrupting one of the rare moments I was actually trying to be serious. 

"I mean about going back home," I continued. "'cause, I mean... I appreciate it that you're letting me stay, and it'd kind of suck if I went and ruined it all in the first two days... so it was cool of you to stick up for me. Uh..." 

"Stop babbling." 

I shut up quite readily. Eiri frowned down at his drink. 

"Don't take it to heart," he said. "If you screw up again, I will kick you out." 

I nodded. "Got it. Understood. One hundred percent clear." 

"Tatsuha." 

"What?" 

"Shut up." 

I grinned. "Sure, big bro." 


	5. Chapter Five

**Chapter Five**

My brother has a weird boyfriend. 

Shuuichi has a calendar marked 'top secret!! touch on pain of death!!' followed by about half a dozen smiley faces and little pink hearts. I had to wonder who the hell he was trying to intimidate. 

Really. A calendar. Not a journal. Not a diary. Not some food shoved in the back of the fridge he wants to save on his own. Nope. Shuuichi has a calendar. I discovered this while he was working the morning after my hangover fiasco and having to be dragged home by Ryuuichi. The nice thing to do would have to put it back where it belonged, shoved in the back of a closet, beneath a pile of rotted old clothes and underneath a brick. But really, if he didn't want people to look at his personal things, he just shouldn't leave them lying around like that. 

Heh. 

So I peeked. And you know what it is? A calendar marking the days of he and Eiri's relationship. There are some days with little hearts on them. Some days with evil faces. I can only assume those are 'grumpy Yuki' days. And then there are some that are filled completely with smiley faces and hearts. I don't want to know what those days are. 

I flipped through it out of curiosity. Turns out, it'll be a full year in another month. Sweet. Sweet if you like to gag to death, of course. 

I put it back where it belonged and didn't really think much of it until the night of the concert. 

Ryuuichi had mentioned it to me at the cafe, just not in great detail. It was some free concert thing to raise money. Didn't really hear what kind of charity it was for. I had gone in with Shuuichi that morning to the studio so they could do their practice before the show, and even there nobody could tell me much. It was hard to with K-san running around with that, 'Hah _hah_! Publicity!' schpiel of his. ... which is combined with numerous guns and demanding Shuuichi get the lyrics right or die. 

But anyway. 

I was standing in the kitchen over the stove. Eiri could cook, but he seemed to think a proper meal was composed of a few crackers and a glass of water. And Shuuichi... Shuuichi thinks burnt to a crisp is just slightly well done. So I had naturally gotten myself into a position where I was doing all the cooking. I didn't mind so much. I like cooking. It's kind of calming to me. Keeps my mind distracted from my usual perverted thoughts, hey? 

Eiri, would wonders never cease, had come out from the black hole of existence, otherwise known as his study. Shuuichi was standing in front of him looking pathetic. Poor kid. Dressed completely in his concert gear and having to stand there in front of his boyfriend and convince him to do something he didn't want. 

That was all Shuuichi had come back from the studio for. To convince Eiri to come to the show. He should have stayed to practice more, but he had sworn up and down that he would be back in an hour at the most. I had come along with him. My plan was to get some dinner out of the trip. Listening to him whine at Eiri was just an added bonus. 

"Yu~ki~!" That was his argument. Pretty good, huh? 

Eiri just sat there, cigarette hanging out the side of his mouth, saying nothing. 

I started to wonder about the calendar. A year in a month. And Shuuichi still had to convince Eiri to come to the shows? I thought it had a whole lot more to do with Eiri enjoying watching Shuuichi squirm and then surprise him when he did show up. No matter how many times he did, it still delighted Shuuichi more than anything. 

I don't know. I've never claimed to understand the mating habits of psychos. 

"Please, please, please, please! Tatsuha is going to come!" 

I hummed cheerfully over the stove. Mm-mm, stir fry. Makes you forget people talking about you as if you weren't five yards from them. 

"So take him as your date," Eiri intoned. 

Oh hell no. 

"Yu_ki_~!" 

Eiri sighed, rolled his eyes, tapped out the ash of his cigarette. I was beginning to wonder if he was just doing this to jerk Shuuichi's chain or if he seriously didn't want to go. Social stuff really isn't his thing. Social stuff that involves screaming girls and guys alike was far worse. 

"Dinner's done," I announced. "You eating, Shuuichi?" 

"Nah," he said, a bit dejectedly, "I don't eat before a show." 

"He threw up on stage once," Eiri said. He took the plate I held out to him and sat down at the table. "So now he never eats." 

Shuuichi turned a very amusing shade of flaming red. "It was just the one time! I wasn't feeling very good..." 

That would have been hilarious to see. I was kind of sorry I had missed it. 

I piled up my own plate and joined Eiri at the table. I, on the other hand, can eat five million and one things and never get sick unless drunk, in classic teenager fashion. Drinking made all previous rules about the endless capacity of a teenager's stomach null. Particularly when we're talking nasty scrambled eggs and alcohol, I'd learned. 

"You're still going to come, right, Tatsuha?" Shuuichi asked me. 

I nodded. "Yeah, sure. Why the heck would I wanna stay cooped up with Eiri anyway?" 

Eiri wasn't insulted. He wouldn't be. He just kept on eating, ignoring the two of us. 

"You can come back stage after the show, if you want." Shuuichi really seemed to like the idea of having someone around that he could drag around to share his whole musical career with. Come to think of it, it wasn't all that surprising. The friends he had were the people he worked with and the other guys in Bad Luck. He didn't really have any normal friends like from high school, not that I knew of, anyway. I guess I was the closest he had. 

Didn't really have the heart to tell him I was more going for the sake of seeing Ryuuichi. It's not that it was the only reason I was going. It was just a big part of it. 

"Sure," I said. I grinned back at him. 

I finished up eating and dumped my dishes in the sink. I glanced at the clock, not really knowing why, but it was probably a good thing I did. 

"Hey, Shuuichi. Didn't Sakano-san ask you to be back at seven? It starts at eight." 

If his jaw could have done it, it would have unhinged itself and dropped to the floor when his eyes fell to clock. Seven twenty. Not too late, but late all the same. 

"Oh crap, crap, crap, crap! I gotta go!" 

"You go ahead," I said. "I'll meet you there." 

"Okay, okay. Crap, crap, crap! See you!" 

He zoomed out the door at the speed of light. Eiri and I blinked after him. After a second or two, I shook my head and smiled. 

"Got yourself quite the weirdo there, big bro." 

"You don't have to tell me that." He sighed a little as he brought over his own plate to the sink. I watched him as he moved. He seemed to be out of sorts. I couldn't really tell what was wrong. Tired, maybe, I figured. Probably he was pulling his usual all-nighters to meet a deadline. 

"So you're not going to go?" I asked. I turned on the faucet and started scrubbing the dishes. 

He lit up another cigarette. "Maybe." 

"You could at least gimme a ride." 

"Maybe," he said again. I'd've strangled him if he hadn't looked as drained as he did. 

I decided to go for light-hearted. "You could always give me the keys to your car." 

"Like hell." 

I grinned. 

I watched him from the corner of his eye as I set my cleaned plates aside to scrub his. He went over to the medicine cabinet and started to root around in it, looking for something. There were about ten of those prescription bottles -- the orange colored ones with the white labels. I wondered how many of them he was taking. 

He took out a bottle of aspirin and popped a few pills in his mouth. As he turned toward me, I looked back down at the dishes. As if I had been watching something I shouldn't have seen. Big deal; he had a headache. 

Okay. Truth? The prescription bottles did worry me. 

"I can take the bus," I said. I started to dry the plates, but Eiri took the towel from me and did it himself. 

"I'll take you," he said. He finished drying a plate and handed it to me. I took it and put it in its cabinet. It didn't take me long to get used to his kitchen. Days spent with nothing better to do I used to go lurking about the house, everywhere but his study. That would have resulted in death. But I knew everything else like the back of my own hand. 

"You sure?" I asked. I tried not to sound concerned. 

"Mm." 

I let it go. Headache, that was all. Nothing to worry about. 

I put away the dishes as he finished drying them and soon enough we were done. He went to get his keys to drive us. I didn't bother to ask if he was just going to drive me or come along with me to the show. Probably wouldn't have answered me anyway. 

Ryuuichi had a nice ride, but I still drool at the sight of Eiri's car like I'm looking it for the first time. I've got a thing for black. Leather interior. A freaking awesome stereo system. I'd kill for a car like that. 

Kill or become a country-wide famous author. Decisions. 

Dad would never even think to consider getting me a car. Eiri bought his. Touma gave Mika hers as a gift -- anniversary or birthday or something, beats me. It's not like I need one. I can walk almost anywhere I need to go when it comes to Kyoto. Anywhere else, there are always cabs or buses or the subway. Besides, I'd probably just drool all over it if I had a car. 

And it symbolized a kind of freedom I wasn't going to get. Not as long as I had to be the good son. 

Eiri and I didn't talk as he drove through the congested streets, and I didn't mind it. He's not exactly Mr. Sunshine, and I'm not a person that needs to talk all of the time. I like quiet just as much as the next guy. But I like being loud and obnoxious just as much. It depends on my mood. 

Parking was bloody hell at where the concert was being held, but we found a place after about thirty minutes of just circling around and around looking for somewhere. I wasn't surprised when Eiri killed the ignition and got out with me. I knew he had only been jerking Shuuichi's chain around a little. Maybe. Maybe it was that, or maybe the headache really was bothering him, but he didn't want to disappoint Shuuichi. Who knew. But I wasn't going to ask. 

We squeezed through the usual horde of screaming fan girls to get inside. Shuuichi had already given me two tickets and some back stage passes for after the show. He said the extra was for Eiri, if he wanted to come. I handed them over to the guy taking tickets, took back the stubs, and shoved them into my pocket. Another stub for my wall o' stubs back home. About a third of those at Nittle Grasper, too. 

Eiri just let me lead the way. Bright boy. I'd been to more of these things than him. 

I nearly rammed into a girl I hadn't noticed as I pushed through the crowd. Instinct had me reaching out automatically to grasp her shoulders and keep her from falling. 

"Geez, I'm sorry--" I started, and then stopped short. 

"Ayaka-chan!" 

Oooh, coincidence. 

"Tatsuha-san." She sounded a little surprised, but at the same time, happy to see me. I think. She was smiling, so I figured that was a plus. 

Same old Ayaka-chan. 

"I should've figured you'd be here," I said. I tossed an arm around her shoulders. "Gotta come to see the boyfriend, huh?" Never let it be said I'll let an opportunity go by where I can tease somebody about their significant other. Really, where would my joy go if I didn't get my jollies somewhere? 

She turned red, just like I expected her to. She was about to open her mouth, probably to give my ears a bruising, when Eiri pushed his way through the crowd and appeared beside us. Her expression changed completely. She just stared at him. 

"Eiri-san..." 

Hoo boy. 

So. Truth or dare again. Truth? I like Ayaka-chan, I really do. But if one thing frustrates the hell out of me about her, it's that she's still hung up on Eiri. It seems like forever ago now, to me anyway. You'd think she would have gotten on, especially with a guy like Hiro head over heels for her. I guess old habits die hard. She grew up knowing she was going to marry this guy someday. She made this image of him in her head that he just hadn't fit into. It wasn't an easy thing to let yourself down from. 

It almost made me think of Ryuuichi. Here was this guy I had never met, but always admired and even started to have a pathetic little crush on, and I had no idea who he really was. 

But not like Ayaka-chan, Ryuuichi hadn't done anything to disappoint me yet. 

Eiri nodded his head as his sign of greeting, which considering the considering the kind of guy he is, was quite a bit. He could have just ignored her, after all. 

I didn't much want to have to look at her making googly eyes at him, so I interjected quickly, "Hey, why don't you hang out with us for tonight? I don't think Hiro'd appreciate it if we just left his girlfriend stranded all alone. Unless you came with a friend or something?" 

She shook her head. "No, I came alone." 

"Then stick with us," I said. 

We found somewhere near the pack of the crowded place that Eiri would be all right with, but still was close enough to see things. It was a small area. Probably maybe holding about six-hundred, seven-hundred people at the most. It was the usual places Bad Luck and Nittle Grasper played. Big, enormous stadium things like the Tokyo Bay Music Festival are a special thing, for events just like that. Festivals and huge concerts and that sort of thing. The rest of the time, it's just these small ones. 

"How's life?" I asked Ayaka-chan. Small talk is something I'm really good at it. Most of the time. Not when I'm absolutely tongue-tied like whenever I'm around Ryuuichi and not drunk enough to be blabbering about my inner most secrets, anyway. 

"Nothing exciting," she said, smiling a little. "Not like yours." 

I gave her a funny look. "What's that supposed to mean?" 

"I heard about what happened." 

Oh, goody. The tale of my amazing upchucking capabilities had already spread as far as Kyoto. 

"Do one thing wrong and you're eating it for the rest of your life," I muttered. I slumped low in my chair, as though I thought somebody was going to overhear us and give me one of those scrutinizing 'what's with _this_ guy?' looks. 

Ayaka-chan sat prim and proper beside me, shoulders back, straight as a board, hands in her lap. Eiri was slumped on the other side of her, but not like me. He was smoking a cigarette and looking more interested in something off in the distance than us. 

"In matters _aside_ from woofing up one's own cookies," I said. "Anyway, I asked what's up with you, not what's coming up from _me_." 

She shrugged a little. "Nothing," she repeated. "Really, nothing at all." 

"You're going to university soon, huh?" 

"Mmhm. I don't know if I should go in Kyoto or here." 

"Go here," I said. "You'll be closer to Hiro, and you and I both know Kyoto's a snore." 

She might have said something. I knew I was embarrassing her talking about Hiro. Not even teasing her or anything, just mentioning him while Eiri sat right there beside her. Like Eiri would care. I didn't tell her he wouldn't give two shits less. 

Might have responded. But the lights went out then, and the screaming of fan girls drowned out our voices. 

Bad Luck first. I knew by the first two notes it was Shuuichi and them. They were starting with one of their older songs. The lights came on as the music picked up. Flashy colored lights, screaming fans, music blaring in my ears. Ah, heaven. 

I just listen to the music when I go to a concert. Everything else fades out like it was never there. Me, the music, and the band playing. The world could have crashed down on all of us, and I would just keep standing there, listening to the music. I wouldn't snap out of it until the music stopped. 

Bad Luck played out a set of six or so songs. They were starting their sixth when suddenly the crowd started screaming louder than ever, breaking even me out of my stage. 

All hail Sakuma Ryuuichi-sama. 

He and Shuuichi were sharing a microphone. Noriko and Touma had come out too, both to their keyboards, so that Bad Luck and Nittle Grasper were playing in unison together. It made the crowd fricking ecstatic. Me too. I'm just quiet when I'm ecstatic about something. ... sometimes. 

Ryuuichi was waving to someone in the crowd. It was hard to tell who really. I looked around. Who the hell was it? 

Ayaka-chan nudged me. "Sakuma-san is waving to you." 

... oh. Me. 

I was too bewildered to do anything. Not that it mattered. When I had picked up my jaw from the ground, his attention was taken somewhere else. 

Out of hundreds of people, he had picked me out of them all. I think I was still riding that high when the song finished and Bad Luck disappeared, and Nittle Grasper started to play in their place. 

I recognized all of the songs. I could tell you what album they were on, what track number it was, the length of the song. Probably even recite the lyrics word for word if someone asked me to. 

It's not obsession. It's dedication. Damn you all who say otherwise. 

The high may have lasted through the entire show. The next thing I knew, Ayaka was shaking my shoulder, and people were milling past us to leave. Eiri was giving me a funny look. I could feel myself blushing under his gaze and had to look away. It'd ruin my cool guy reputation if either of them saw I was embarrassed. 

"Hiro gave me a back stage pass," Ayaka-chan said. 

"Yeah, us too. We'll come with." 

Eiri didn't object, so I figured it was okay. We waited until most of the people had gone to make our way towards the stage. A bodyguard was positioned outside, but looking at our passes, and receiving the Glare of Doom from Eiri, he let us through without a second glance. 

Eiri seemed to know where he was going, so Ayaka-chan and I just followed him. He took us down a few hallways and into some room with a sign pinned on the door, proclaiming "Bad Luck" in squiggly characters. 

He opened the door, and I had no idea what happened then. Someone squealed, "Yu~ki~!" and suddenly I was looking down at Eiri, flat on his back, with Shuuichi straddling him. I blinked a few times. 

"Can't you two do that at home?" I paused. "Wait, don't do it at home, I'm staying there too." 

Eiri rolled his eyes. Shuuichi looked embarrassed. 

I helped Ayaka-chan to step over them and into the room. It wasn't much. They may have been famous musicians across the country, but there was only so much they could be provided with. There was two couches that looked comfortable enough and a table piled high with food someone had supplied. At least that was generous. I wasted no time in snatching some things. 

"So, so." Shuuichi was practically dancing on his feet. 

"It was good," I said. Praise was what he wanted, after all. 

He whirled on Eiri. "Did you think so, Yuki?" 

I watched Eiri from the corner of my eye. Some of the hardness in his face melted away. Not much, but some. He still looked tired. 

"Aa." That was all he dared to even murmur, but it was enough. 

He folded his arms. "But your lyrics still suck." 

Shuuichi face-faulted. I had to hide my grin. 

I wondered where K-san and Sakano-san were, but didn't really let it bother me. Probably doing whatever it was managers and producers do after a show. Sakano-san was probably flipping out somewhere, and K-san... was probably polishing his guns. Ayaka-chan and Hiro were being cute, blech. And Fujisaki was no where to be seen -- probably with K-san or Sakano-san, I figured. 

No time to think about it anyway. The door was flung open again, and in strutted Nittle Grasper. Mika completed the ensemble. I had the amazing urge to squeak and hide behind Eiri. 

"Tatsuha-kun!" 

Kaboom. Down I went, Ryuuichi glomped onto me. 

"E-er.. hi..." 

He beamed down at me. "I was hoping you would come." 

Everyone else was giving us a funny look. I sat up and tried to be dignified. 

Much to my joy, the attention was taken from us when Mika suddenly asked, "Eiri, what are you doing out? You look awful." 

Well, she had the bluntness to say it. I sure hadn't. I sat on the floor, Ryuuichi latched onto me, watching the two of them. 

Eiri gave her an irritated look. "Don't worry about it." 

But she was worrying, and when someone else worried, Shuuichi worried. He stood on his tiptoes to inspect Eiri. He slowly lowered himself back down to his feet, and I saw him take Eiri's hand in his. Eiri looked a little bothered by the spontaneous affection, but at the same time... comforted? I didn't know. 

"We can go home," Shuuichi said. 

Eiri opened his mouth to argue. 

"It's okay," Shuuichi said quickly. He smiled brightly. "I'm tired anyway. Let's go home, okay, Yuki?" 

He might have argued, if he weren't so exhausted. He glanced over at me instead. 

"I guess that means me too," I said. I started to sit up, but Ryuuichi stopped me. 

"I can take Tatsuha-kun home." 

It took a second, but Eiri nodded. Both he and Shuuichi left together. I glanced at Mika and Touma. Something was up. I knew something was up, and whatever it was, they knew. 

And they weren't telling me. 

Goddammit, it's not like he wasn't my brother too. 

"Tatsuha-kun, come with me." 

I blinked out of my daze and looked up at Ryuuichi. He looked serious. Not overly serious, like he knew something was up to. But not his usual dopey smile or anything. I nodded after a moment and let him hoist me up to my feet. 

We left everyone else behind in the room. I looked at Mika as I let Ryuuichi lead me out. She wanted to say something. I knew by looking at her that she wanted to say something, tell me something, but she just held her tongue. Just stared and let me go. I didn't know why, but I was suddenly mad at her. Why the hell wouldn't she tell me? Why wouldn't anyone? Why the hell was I always treated like a child? 

Ryuuichi took me down a hall, and just like that, we were on the stage. The lights were dim, but enough to still see everything. No one had come to pick up the instruments yet. Hiro's guitar still sat in its open case. The keyboards were out wide in the open. Ryuuichi stepped ahead of me, out to the middle of the stage. I watched him. It was almost like seeing him like I always did, from the distance, just watching and never being able to see anything else. But here I was, on stage with him. On a stage with Sakuma Ryuuichi. 

"Come out here," he said. I did as I was told. I stepped out to the middle of the stage with him. He took me by the shoulders and moved me a little until I stood in the dead center, staring out into an empty crowd. 

I couldn't explain the feeling I had all of a sudden. It was like I could see everything. Screaming fans and the music blaring around me. I wasn't just watching from the outside. I was on the inside. 

"I guess it'd be better with the crowd," Ryuuichi said suddenly, with a laugh. I glanced back at him. He was smiling at me. I smiled back. 

"Nah. I still get it," I said. "I still can tell what it's like." 

Yeah. Sure, I could tell. But it was a bittersweet feeling. I could taste what it was like. But I'd never have anything like it. 

I stepped away from the center of the stage. 

"The show was really good," I murmured. 

He smiled then, but I knew it wasn't real. He was smiling for my sake. 

"If you liked it, then it was good," he said. 

I nodded a little. "Yeah. I liked it. I mean, I like all of your shows. I've only been to all of them since I was ten years old." For some reason, I was embarrassed to admit that. I looked away, pretending something had caught my interest, and started walking around aimlessly. I finally stopped near the edge of the stage and plopped down, my legs hanging over the side. I heard footsteps from behind, and then Ryuuichi sat beside me. 

"Do you remember Touma's wedding?" I asked him. I don't know why I did. It just came out. 

He nodded. "Yah, it was a lot of fun." He smiled that bright smile. 

"I remember because I met you there." 

I glared down at my hands. Would not blush, would not blush, would not blush. 

"I was twelve, I think," I continued. "Nittle Grasper broke up a few months later, after I'd turned thirteen. I remember that. And I remember I didn't want to be there. Mom had just died. 

"I remember sitting alone and watching everyone. And you came over and sat with me. You gave me Kumagoro and told me to I looked sad, and that he would cheer me up." 

God, I remember that day like it had happened yesterday. The sun was shining. Music was playing. People were laughing and smiling and carrying without a care in the world. Mika was beautiful, dressed in this amazing kimono that had belonged to my mother. She had smiled a lot that day. She smiled more then than I had ever seen her smile before. 

But I had sat alone and just watched the smiling people and thought... it was wrong. It was all wrong. Mom had died. How could they all be so happy? 

And then I saw that pink bunny. 

You look sad, he said. Kumagoro will make you happy. 

"Do you remember?" I asked. 

Ryuuichi nodded. 

"I... I guess I wanted to say thanks." Bumbling along again. I felt like an idiot. "Thanks for cheering me up." 

He smiled at me, and that was all he needed to do. The smile spoke words of its own. 

Thanks, I thought. 

Thanks for this time too. 


	6. Chapter Six

**Chapter Six**

I don't brood by nature. I mean, what the hell? Why would I want to waste time I could be spending doing far more productive things complaining and carrying on about how much the world hates me and how much my life sucks, and oh woe, I did bad on that test, and oh no, I totally bombed with that girl last night. There are more important things in the world. Like gorging yourself, for instance. Or blaring music really loudly. There are other ways to brood than to sit around and just mope all of the time. 

Me, I went for the gorging option. But all I had to eat was a box of pocky I was carrying in my jacket pocket as I strolled down the streets of Tokyo. Real pocky, none of that 'men's pocky' crap. Yeah, sure, I know it's not masculine to go around eating chocolates. But hey, they're good. And I like the so called girls pocky better than guys pocky. 

Shuuichi was at work. Eiri was locked up in his study. I had come home late the night before after the concert. Ryuuichi had dropped me off at the apartment complex around one or two in the morning. I guess I wasn't following Eiri's curfew rule very religiously. 

He had been asleep when I came in. Shuuichi was awake, sitting on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket and lit up by the glow of the television set. He had flipped it off when I came in, said he had just wanted to stay up to make sure I got home safe, and then disappeared down the hall. Something was bugging him. 

Eiri? 

I sighed and pulled out another stick of pocky, popping it into my mouth. Mika and Touma knew something was up. Did that mean Shuuichi did too? In that case, I really was going to be the last one to know. They would probably wait a week after he was dead to tell me he had even died. 

I wasn't really worried. I knew it couldn't be something that dramatic. Aside from the cigarettes and the occasional boozing, Eiri has more mental diseases than he does physical. He wasn't going to kick the bucket anytime soon. Sure as hell not until Dad goes. 

It was kind of comforting to think that. 

Once again, the sun was shining and the birds were chirping, mocking me and my misery. Well, not really misery. More like my thoughtful brooding. Maybe not even brooding. Just thoughtful. Yeah, that works. Never let it be said that Uesugi Tatsuha broods. 

The apartment was boring. I had left, telling Eiri I would probably go to the studio to hang out with Shuuichi and them. But I had never had it in my head to go to the studio. Didn't want to. I just wanted to get outside. 

I was beginning to wonder what it was Mika wanted me to find in Tokyo. She said that it was good for me to see new things, meet new people, broaden my horizons, all of that big load of crap. Sure, it was good. Gave me a better perspective of a life that was most definitely not going to be mine. Nope. Me, Uesugi Tatsuha, sixteen-year-old professional fan boy, brother of famous author Yuki Eiri, brother-in-law of NG Records president Seguchi Touma, was going to be a priest. A monk. A man of the cloth. A man of Shinto faith. 

Kind of made me want to become Christian. 

I sighed. Tokyo hadn't brought me any of the things Mika wanted me to see. It only reminded me of what I had to go back to. 

Then again... there was Ryuuichi. Tokyo had brought me to Ryuuichi. 

I wondered what he was doing. Was he at the studio recording? Maybe doing some interview for a magazine. Who knew. Maybe he wasn't doing anything at all. What did Sakuma Ryuuichi do in his free time? I thought of his apartment. It was nice. Simple. Kitchen, living room, bedroom and guest bedroom. There was a TV and stereo, but I hadn't seen anything else. It had all been pretty amazingly... simple. Modern. Not what I would have expected from what all I had seen of Ryuuichi over the years. What could he do there in his free time? 

I knew I sounded weird. I could hear the thoughts in my head and knew they were strange. Here I was, walking down the street, through dozens of people, and I was thinking about Ryuuichi, and where he was and what he was doing. It's not even like we had a relationship... aside from the connection through Touma, there was nothing these. He was just nice to me, some random kid who was a big fan of his. It wasn't anything else. 

"Dammit," I cursed under my breath. Here I was, brooding. And I hate brooders. All hypocrites, please raise your hand. 

I needed to do something. Something that would distract me. Something that would keep my mind away from Ryuuichi, away from my sister keeping things from me, away from my brother and his issues, away from everything. 

And lo and behold, what did I come across, but an arcade. 

Hey, distraction is distraction. 

I had some money stashed in my jeans. Eiri was not going to be expecting me back for awhile. He still thought I was at the studio with Shuuichi. So I could go in, waste some time there, and go back to the apartment. And I would just have to hope Shuuichi would not bring up that I hadn't been at the studio at all. Eiri would probably want to grill me, and I had a feeling that by the time I got home, I still wouldn't be in the mood to dish it all out. 

I found the nearest machine that had blood and gore and fighting and shoved my money in. Nothing better to take your frustrations out on than fictional characters on a 3D platform. (It was either fighting games or Dance Dance Revolution -- and I am not idiot enough to play _that_ game in public.) 

I played. I beat the crap out of some mass of flesh and muscle. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered what game I was even playing. But then I figured what did it matter? I didn't play video games for the substance in them. I just played for distraction. 

And it wasn't working. Figures. I see animated blood splatter up (blood seriously can never splatter like it does in games) and I think about my family. I wonder if any of them would be offended by that. 

Not just them. Shuuichi was there too, lingering somewhere. And the rest of Bad Luck, and even their ridiculous producer and trigger-happy manager. And Ayaka-chan. Even Haruka-chan, my ex-girlfriend. 

And Ryuuichi. Always Ryuuichi. 

I sighed. Whups. Game over. Should have been paying better attention. 

I didn't want to play any more games. I wandered back out of the arcade, pockets still filled with money, pocky still in my jacket. I pulled out a stick and popped it into my mouth, just gnawing on it a bit as I walked. The sun would be setting soon. Eiri wouldn't yell if I didn't come back for dinner. But I'd definitely get a raised eyebrow and maybe a snide comment. 

There was a park across from the arcade. I don't know why, but I wandered over there. I found a bench and sat down, stretching out my arms across the seat, and slumping down. I let my neck fall against the back rest and I just stared up, skyward, munching on my pocky. 

Tokyo was kind of lonely, I realized. Oh, yeah, sure. There was Shuuichi. There was Fujisaki and Hiro if I ever wanted their company. Ayaka-chan was still in the city. Mika lived here, and there was always Eiri. But it was lonely. I realized it wasn't my place. Tokyo wasn't my place anymore than standing in the center of that stage was my place. I wasn't on the inside. Not ever on the inside, but just watching. Always the viewer, never the actor. 

Blah, blah, blah. 

I think I fell asleep. I don't know. The next thing I knew, I was snapping from my daze, and two high school girls were standing above me. I think I might have stared for a moment or two before it clicked in my head what I was looking at, like bulb coming on. 'Oh, so that's what you are! High school girls.' 

They were both dressed in the same school uniform. The one on my left looked intimidating. One of those loud, obnoxious girls that would say anything she damn well pleased and not think of what she was saying until it was said. The other reminded me of my ex, Haruka-chan. She seemed quiet and petite compared to the other girl. When I met her eyes, she would look away, embarrassed. 

"Ladies," I greeted. Never let it be said I'm not a gentleman. (Or as close to one I can be before I get annoyed enough to act like my usual jerk of a self.) 

The one on the left giggled, a kind of grating sound. One of those 'ohohoho' laughs. 

"Geez," she said, "we thought you were dead or something." 

That would be why I was breathing. But I held my tongue. 

"Nope. Just catching a snooze." I folded my arms and gave them both a scrutinizing look. "Shouldn't you girls be home? It's late. Tokyo's no place for girls at night." 

The obnoxious one laughed again. "We've live here our whole lives. We're fine." 

I stood up. "I don't believe it. I'll walk you both home." 

The flirting is completely and utterly natural, I swear to God. I didn't mean to. I could have consciously said to myself, 'Tatsuha, you are not going to flirt with these girls. You will not. Bad, Tatsuha, bad!' And I would still have flirted with them. I blame it on the Uesugi slut gene. I also blame the fact that flirting is my second nature. It comes to me like breathing or blinking. 

The obnoxious one had crossed her arms across her waist. "Well, I guess since we were heading that way anyway, you can walk us." 

"Thanks for deeming me worthy of your company," I said. I grinned as I did. Sarcastic, me? Nah. Besides, no one can notice sarcasm when you smile with the charm I do. Not arrogance. It's the truth. Charming personalities is another trait of we Uesugi boys. It's not until you get to know us for who we really are that you realize we're complete assholes beneath it at all. 

"I'm Atsuo Emiko," the obnoxious one said, "and this is Norikazu Miyame." 

"Tatsuha," I said, smiling. Another of my many talents. I can smile when I don't want to. I can be the nicest guy on the planet when I want to beat the living daylights out of someone. I just keep on smiling. I'm good at it. I could make a career of lying. I should be a lawyer. 

"You're not from around, are you?" Emiko asked. 

I glanced at her. "What makes you say that?" I had no idea where we were going, so I walked between the two girls, letting them lead the way. 

She put a finger to her chin. "Well, if you were, you'd be wearing a school uniform from around here. Unless you're skipping. And if you were from around here, you'd know girls in Tokyo can take care of themselves." 

I kind of doubted that. I did not doubt the capabilities of women. Far from it. I had two incredibly strong female role models in my life, my mother and Mika. But any woman against five or ten men is not going to be able to protect herself. But it's not just for girls. If five or ten guys jumped me, I'd be flattened into a pancake too. 

"You're right," I said. "I'm not from around here." 

"Where are you from?" It was the first time Miyame had spoken. I glanced at her. Our eyes met and she immediately looked away, blushing. I had to smile. I couldn't help it. I was reminded a lot of Haruka-chan. 

"Kyoto," I answered. "I ran away from home." 

"Liar!" Emiko accused. 

"No, I swear. I really did." I sighed, dramatically. "My father is forcing me to get married and run the family business. I ran away in protest." It sounded like I was describing one of Eiri's dumb novels. It was hard to keep up the act without laughing my ass off. 

"Really?" Miyame asked, eyes wide and mouth open. Looking at her, I felt bad for lying. 

"No, not really," I said. "I was messing with you. I'm just here visiting my brother." 

She almost looked relieved. I wondered if it was because she thought if I was a run away, that automatically meant I was probably some high school drop-out delinquent, or because it really did bother her, the thought of me being a run away kid with no place to turn. I didn't ask which it was. 

"I live in Kyoto," I continued, casually. 

"What about school?" Emiko asked. 

I shrugged. "They won't miss me." 

It's not like I was ever there anyway. How I managed to skip as many days as I did and still pass was absolutely beyond me. Usually I just lied to whatever authority figure wanted to get on my case about my absences, explaining most dramatically that with my father so dangerously ill these days, it was necessary I stayed home more often. I played it up with such heart-warming theatrics they always let me off without a second word. 'Well, if that's the case, it's all right, Uesugi-kun. Please give your father my regards.' 

I sometimes felt guilty about using him as my excuse. But not guilty enough to stop doing it. 

"Oh, Miya-chan!" Emiko exclaimed abruptly. "I finished the book! I'll let you borrow it." 

She dug around in her bag for a moment or two before finally finding whatever it was she was looking for. And wouldn't you know, it was one of Eiri's novels. One of the newer ones. I hadn't read it. I had read up until his fifth or sixth book, just because I wanted to know what it was my brother was doing that made him as famous as he was, before I realized it was the same thing over and over again. It was boring. But women country-wide gobbled up his flowery words and cheesy romances, and who am I to complain? He knows how to play to the people's needs. 

"You read that stuff?" I asked. 

Emiko clutched the book to her chest, hugging it like it was some precious stuffed animal or something. "Yuki Eiri is the greatest author _ever_," she said. She sighed. "I'm going to marry him someday." 

I tried not to laugh aloud. I guess I didn't try very hard. Next thing I knew, she was glaring at me as though I were the spawn of Satan. 

"What's wrong with Yuki Eiri?" she asked. 

"Nothing, nothing," I said. "I know for a fact he's not a half-bad guy." 

Miyame was looking at me now, curious. "How?" 

Eiri had told me after the fiasco in Kyoto when I had told my entire class that he was my brother, that if I did it again, he would make sure that I would never bear children. Of course, he hadn't said it that delicately... 

But right then I didn't give a damn what he wanted. 

"He's my brother." 

They both stared at me for a moment, eyes wide, mouths open. Pure and utter shock. 

"You're lying," Emiko said. 

"Nope. I don't lie." 

She flipped through the book, to the back pages where there was a small author's biography, complete with a picture of my expressionless brother. She stared at the picture, up at me, back to the picture, back to me. Miyame wasn't rude enough to do the same, but I could tell she wanted to compare too. 

"I guess you sort of look alike," Emiko relented. Sort of? Yeah, that was why Shuuichi had thought I was Eiri, just with black hair. Oh well. Maybe it was the fact the camera adds ten pounds that made Eiri and I look different. 

"Except he's blonde," she added. She looked up at me, eyes narrowed in a scrutinizing gaze. "You have black hair." 

"Yup." Thank you for stating the obvious, Emiko-san. 

"Does he bleach?" she asked with sudden great delight. The fan girls would just love to know. 

I shook my head. "Nope. Our mother was European." How Eiri had managed to come out with blonde hair and me with black was beyond me. I guess I took more after our father in that department. And poor Mika, she just got a combination of the two and was stuck being a brunette. If we had a redhead in our family, the entire spectrum of hair color would be complete. 

"Wow. He's really your brother?" 

I glanced at Emiko. "I told you I don't lie." 

We were walking through a less populated area of the city. Not much of a suburb. There aren't exactly suburbs in Tokyo. But where there was more housing than there was businesses, mostly apartments, and occasionally a huddled group of houses somewhere along the line. Kids were outside playing. It wasn't going to be long before their moms called them in for dinner. 

"What's he like?" Emiko asked. 

I got that a lot. Whenever someone found out my brother was Yuki Eiri, and they were addicted to his books (like every female in the world, it seemed), they would ask me what was he like. What was I going to tell them? The truth? 'He's kind of an asshole.' I didn't think that'd fly by too well. 

"Quiet," I answered. Sure. That worked. 

She sighed wistfully. "It must be great to have a famous brother." She paused. "Oh no, here's my house. Miya-chan, here's the book." She pointed a finger at her friend. "If you mess up even one page, I'll never forgive you!" 

Miyame laughed nervously as she took the book. "I'll be careful," she promised. 

Emiko turned to me with a smile. "It was nice to meet you, Tatsuha-san. Make sure you get Miya-chan home safe." 

"I will," I said. "See you." 

She waved the both of us and disappeared up a flight of stairs and around the corner of an apartment complex. Miyame and I stood, watching, until we saw her go into one of the numerous doors facing out onto the street. Once she was safely inside, we both turned without a word and started back down the sidewalk. I trailed slightly behind her. She knew where we were going, and I still had no idea. 

"I'm sorry if Emiko-chan was rude," Miyame said quietly. I glanced at her. She wouldn't look at me. She kept her head bowed, arms clutching the book to her chest. I had met hundreds of girls and dated hundreds more, and it never failed. It was always the quiet ones I liked. I mean honestly liked and wanted to date. That was how it was with Haruka-chan. All the other ones, they were loud and obnoxious like Emiko was. They never lasted more than a few days. 

Miyame was cute and all, but I didn't want to flirt with her for some reason. I knew if I wanted, I could have gotten her number, probably a date, but I didn't want to. Strange as it sounds, I think it was a sort of innocence issue. Haruka-chan was always the quiet, good school girl, and the second I had started dating her, I had dragged her into things she really didn't need to be messed up in. I still felt guilty about what it had done to her. And I wasn't willing to drag another person down like that again. 

I sighed. "It's okay. Everybody asks about him." 

She looked at me, very briefly. "Are you okay?" 

Figured I would start thinking of things like that and it would show through. I quickly nodded. 

"Sorry," I said. I grinned at her. "I was just thinking of some things. You remind me of a friend of mine." 

She inclined her head slightly. "Really?" 

"Yeah." I wanted to call Haruka-chan all of a sudden. I don't know why. I just wanted to call her and apologize to her for what an ass I had been and anything I had done to hurt her when we were dating. I shook my head. I hated getting into those moods, when I felt like everything was my problem and I had to apologize for every damn little thing I had ever done. Thank God I don't get them much. I'd shoot myself before I'd go through life like that. 

But Haruka-chan did deserve an apology from me. It was months before that we had broken up, but we still saw each other at school, around Kyoto, and it was always uncomfortable. I didn't want it to be like that anymore. 

"Do you live close?" I asked Miyame. 

"It's not much further," she said. I nodded. 

We kept walking, me following and Miyame leading. We didn't talk. But it wasn't awkward. It was just one of those companionable silences. 

A few more blocks and we were in a more populated area. There were more houses than there were apartments or businesses. The sun had already set and dusk was setting in, so most of the kids we saw outside as we passed were just then being called inside by their mothers. Miyame stopped in front of a small house nestled between two larger ones. 

"This is my house," she said. 

"All right." I smiled. "Well, thanks for letting me walk you home." 

She smiled back, but it was a shy, embarrassed smile. "You didn't have to." 

"I wanted to," I said. 

She blushed then. It was incredibly cute, but I didn't say so aloud. 

"Well, Tatsuha-san--" 

"Tatsuha," I interrupted. 

"Tatsuha," she said slowly. She smiled a little. "Maybe I'll see you later." 

"Maybe." 

I waited on the sidewalk until she had disappeared inside the house. I wondered who was waiting for her inside. Her parents were probably there, her mom making dinner, her dad reading the newspaper. Maybe she had some siblings that would tease her about being walked home by some guy she barely knew. Something perfectly happy and modern. Perfect little family. I had never had that. 

I started walking away. I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jacket for warmth and felt my fingers brush over the number pad of my cell phone. I thought about Haruka-chan. I could call her and apologize. What an idiot I would sound like. 

I glanced down at the phone as I took it out of my pocket and blinked. Five new voice mails? Who the hell had been trying to call me? 

The first message was from a friend of mine in Kyoto. "Tatsuha, where the hell are you! When are you going to be home? Yeah, that's all. Uh, call you later!" 

Ryouma. A dork of a friend. Ah well. 

The next four were all from Mika. 

The first three were mostly asking where I was and what I was doing. The fourth bothered me. 

"Tatsuha, where are you? Answer your phone, Tatsuha. It's important." 

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. I knew it was Eiri. Something had happened. 

I fumbled with the phone. It was hard to dial when I was convinced that something had happened. I kept thinking of all of the worse possibilities. Something had happened to Eiri. Something had happened to Shuuichi. Something had happened to Touma. A car accident, any kind of accident. Maybe Shuuichi had just shoved his finger in an electric socket or something, who knew. 

I listened to the phone ring. One, two, three, four... 

"Dammit, Mika. Come on." 

Five. Six. 

"Tatsuha?" 

Thank God. "Mika," I said. "You scared the living crap out of me. What's up?" 

"It's Dad," she said. 

I relaxed. It was Dad. It wasn't Eiri. I felt like an asshole for being so relieved it hadn't been my brother, but I was glad it wasn't him. Dad I knew was dying. I knew it was coming and I was ready for that. But if something happened to Mika or Eiri, so abruptly as my mother had died because no one had told me what was wrong... I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. I wouldn't be able to take it. 

"What's wrong with Dad?" I asked. 

"He's back in the hospital," she said. "I have to go home to Kyoto." 

"Okay," I said slowly. "How bad is it?" 

She sighed, exasperated. "We don't know. You might have to come home." 

I didn't want to go home. But I didn't say so aloud. 

"I'm at the train station now." I could hear the sounds of a conductor and trains pulling away from the station. Yeah, she was really going home. 

"I'll come home." I said it before I knew what I was saying. I didn't want to go home. But I knew I had to. I had an obligation. I couldn't just run away like Eiri did. I had an obligation to our family whether I liked it or not. 

"You don't have to," Mika said. She sounded exhausted. "If we need you home, I'll let you know." 

"You sure?" 

"I'm sure." 

"All right. Get some sleep, sis. You never take care of yourself." 

"I will," she said. But I knew she wouldn't. 

I hung up and put the phone back into my jacket pocket. It wasn't Eiri. It was just Dad. Probably another bad relapse. But he would come back from it. I knew he would. He came back from everything. The treatments had been working too long now to just stop all of a sudden. But leave it to Mika to turn a small thing into an enormous thing. 

I sighed. She really had scared me there. 

I started back down the sidewalk. If it had been Eiri she was calling, I wondered if he would think something bad had happened to me. I wondered if he would get as worried as I was. 

Nah. Probably not. 

I don't know when it was that I was out of the housing district and back into the city. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. I knew that I was headed in the direction of Eiri's apartment. But I didn't really see where I was going. 

If they had told me all of what was happening to Mom when it was happening, would I have been as resigned to her death as I was to my father's? Would I have even cared when she died? 

I didn't want to know. I didn't want to think that I wouldn't have cared when my mom died. Not like I knew I wasn't going to care when Dad went. Because I knew I wouldn't cry. He would die, but I wouldn't cry for him, not like I had for Mom. I knew it was coming. And I felt more guilty than I had ever felt before when I knew I wouldn't cry for my father. 

A car pulled up alongside me. I didn't notice. Not until the window rolled down and someone asked, "Tatsuha-kun?" 

I froze. "S... Sakuma-san." Somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought I sounded like a serious idiot to be stuttering. 

He had his arm resting on the car door and was leaning against it, looking out at me. Sunglasses hid his eyes. A bandana kept his hair away from his face. His mouth was curved downward slightly, a sort of concerned frown. I just stared at him. Weird coincidence. 

"Are you okay?" he asked. 

I shrugged after a moment. "Sure." 

"Do you want a ride home?" 

I thought about it. I shook my head. 

"No... but, uh... do you think we could just go somewhere?" 

I didn't know what I was asking. I didn't know what he would say. I just knew I didn't want to be rejected. 

"Sure," he said. He smiled at me. "Hop in." 

I sighed. 

"Thanks." 


	7. Chapter Seven

**Author's Notes:** I sincerely apologize about the lateness of this chapter. My Tatsuha muse has not been agreeing with me as of late. I'll try to be more prompt with the next chapter. ^_^ (Sorry about it being so short, too.) 

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**Chapter Seven**

There are moments in one's life that one feels like an absolute, outrageous, pathetic loser. I seemed to have those moments more often than anyone else in the world. If I wasn't being caught molesting my brother's new boyfriend, I was throwing up on the shoes of my idol, or stuttering like a retard in front of him, or just being an all around teenage idiot. All of my life seemed to be one big idiotic event. I swear to God, when I die, my grave stone will say, 'Uesugi Tatsuha -- Died An Idiot's Death.' It would be very befitting. 

I felt like an idiot with Ryuuichi. I didn't know why. I just did. He was being nicer to me than he even had to be, more than I could even understand he would _want_ to be, and what was I doing? Either stuttering like an idiot or doing something else stupid. Great. 

When I said I had wanted to go somewhere, I had been vague. But when I got in the car, Ryuuichi did not ask me where I wanted to go. He just started to drive. I stared out the window. I was too embarrassed to look at him. What the hell was I doing, asking him to go 'somewhere' with me? What the hell did _that_ mean? 

But he didn't say anything. He just drove. 

I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. People always say that celebrities look more glamorous than they actually are on television and magazine covers. What a load of bull. Ryuuichi looked the same as I had always seen him on interviews and in magazines and then some. I was having a hard time tearing my eyes away from him. Wouldn't that be nice, to be caught looking at him like some starving wolf about to jump its prey. 

Bad analogy. 

He didn't notice me looking. Or if he did, he was just being polite enough to not say anything. I averted my eyes after a few lingering seconds. I could feel my cheeks burning. Even better! When I wasn't being a stuttering idiot, I was being a blushing idiot! 

It wasn't like me to get so nervous around someone. I thought it was probably just nerves. I was still shaken up thinking something bad had happened to Eiri. 

"What were you doing?" I finally mustered up enough courage to speak. Yup, courage. Me, loud-mouthed Uesugi Tatsuha, was too embarrassed to say a damn thing and had to work up to it. 

"Uh?" He looked at me, confused. 

"I mean driving around the neighborhood," I said. "Were you going somewhere?" 

He smiled. "Nope. I was just driving around." 

"And you found me." 

"Yup." 

He said it so innocently I figured it had to be true. But it still seemed kind of weird that he just happened to be in the area. Tokyo was too large of a city for it to be that easy. Then again, maybe it really was that easy to find someone. I had no idea. Tokyo wasn't exactly my area of expertise. 

But still, it was weird. Just magically showing up and finding me. 

"Really?" I asked. 

He was silent, staring ahead at the road. I thought he wasn't going to say anything at all. 

"Not really," he said finally. "Mika-san told Touma about your father and said that you were still out somewhere. Touma asked me to find you." 

Ah. Made sense. 

I blinked. It did _not_ not make sense. Touma could have found me on his own. Or he could have sent out one of his usual lackies. Or he could have just left me for dead, too. He hadn't ever shown much concern for me before. He was polite and nice to me and all, but it's just because I'm his wife's little brother, nothing else than that. At least that's what I thought it was. Maybe he really was worried. 

If he was worried, then it was because he was feeling guilty. 

Something was definitely up, and nobody was telling me a damn thing. 

"Right," I muttered beneath my breath. Ryuuichi must have sensed some of the hostility in my voice. 

"Really, that's the truth!" 

I looked at him, surprised. "I didn't mean... er, I mean that I didn't... I'm not mad at you." 

He looked so relieved. I wondered why it bothered him so much to think I was upset with him. He was just that nice of a guy, I figured. Nothing else, really. Well, maybe he really didn't want to upset me. He probably thought I already had enough to think about, with my dad having another of his relapses and all. I wondered what he would think if I told him I wasn't worried at all. 

"Is there somewhere we can go?" I asked. I was watching buildings pass us by, apartment complexes and businesses, people in them and people outside of them. Not a one of them would think for a single moment that the car passing them by contained Sakuma Ryuuichi. 

"There're a few places," Ryuuichi replied. I didn't bother to ask where. I didn't care where we went, as long as it meant I didn't have to go back to Eiri's place anytime soon. 

We stopped outside of a restaurant squeezed between two larger buildings, some big tycoon businesses running something or another that completely flew over my head. It wasn't in a very populated area of the city. Hardly anybody seemed to be in the place either. Maybe because it looked so Western. I had been to Western places before, and while hamburgers can be damn good sometimes, I'll always take some good ol' Japanese cuisine over Western. I guess I wasn't the only one that felt that way, judging by the number of people that seemed to come to this place. 

No one even looked at us as we walked together, down the sidewalk and into the restaurant. Most of the people we passed were adults, guys in suits and ties probably getting off from work and heading to the subway to go home. There was a distinct lack of fan girls that would have quite happily tackled Ryuuichi to the ground and steal all of his clothing, I was relieved to see. 

He took off his sunglasses when we stepped into the place. The host, a young guy I'm guessed in his mid-thirties, looked at us, and obviously recognizing Ryuuichi, brightened up like a light bulb. 

"Sakuma-san," he said, "we haven't seen you in awhile." 

Ryuuichi smiled at him. "Stuff's been busy lately," he replied. 

I was looking around, barely even listening to their conversation. It seemed like a decent place. It was dark and secluded at least, that was a major plus as far as I was concerned. I didn't really want to be around five million people. There were only a few other people in the place, mostly young and older couples alike. None of them seemed too interested in what we were doing. 

I felt a hand on my arm and turned to see Ryuuichi looking at me. "Come on, Tatsuha-kun," he said. 

The host took us to a booth near the back of the restaurant. Another plus. But it was sort of intimidating. I could still hear faintly the conversations of other people in the restaurant, but just barely. Ryuuichi and I were pretty much going to be all alone. Alone in a dark, secluded booth at the back of a restaurant. Ooooh, joy. 

"Can I get you two anything to start with?" the host asked us. 

I shook my head. "I'm not hungry. Just some water." I glanced at Ryuuichi. 

"Me too," he said. "That's all for now." He smiled again, that bright, cheerful smile that seemed to be able to suck in anybody's soul. I was reminded a little of Shuuichi. 

The guy left to get our water. I watched him go, more to just get a better look of the place. Definitely Western. Everything was all redwood and boards and smelling of some kind of rubbing oil, or something. Whatever it was people used to make things shiny. Like shoe buff stuff. I couldn't really name what it was, so hey, shoe buff stuff is as descriptive as I'll get. 

And the seats were squishy cushions. I had to restrain the urge to bounce like a little kid. 

"Why'd Touma send you out to find me?" I asked instead. When one cannot bounce, one can ask questions to fill awkward silences. But I really would have rather bounced. 

"Mika-san was worried," Ryuuichi answered. "Yuki-san said that you were with Shuuichi, and so she went to him, but he said you had never come to the studio." 

Oh. Oops. I guess I had worried her. That would explain why she had left me four voice mails. Note to self: keep cell phone on at all times. 

"I didn't mean to worry her," I said. I didn't know why I was defending myself to him. I just felt like it needed to be said. "I just didn't feel like going to the studio, so I went out for a walk." 

The host came back with the water. He left us a menu too, just in case the mood struck, he said. I was getting hungry despite saying I wasn't, but I didn't have any money on me after wasting most of it in the arcade. I wasn't about to ask Ryuuichi to pay for me. 

"You seem unhappy," he said. 

I looked at him, surprised. "I'm not unhappy." 

He fisted a hand to his cheek. "Well... you seem like something is bothering you," he clarified. 

"... well, not really." I shrugged uselessly. "There are some things bugging me, but it's nothing I can change, so why worry?" 

"Are you worried about your father?" 

There was the question. Did I tell him the truth or not? It was obvious what I would say. 

"No," I said. "I'm not worried." 

"Not a bit?" 

"Not a bit." Why lie to him? 

The pocket of my jacket was vibrating. I blinked and took out my cell phone. The I.D. said it was coming from Eiri's place. I kind of doubted it was him. Shuuichi was probably home and looking for me. I put the phone back in my pocket. 

"It's not important?" Ryuuichi asked me. He had his head cocked to the side slightly, mouth around the straw in his water. Only a grown man like him would drink water with a straw. 

"It's just Shuuichi," I said. "They'll see me later. I don't need to talk to them now." 

"If you say so." He shrugged. I grinned. 

"I say so." 

It almost seemed normal for a second there, to be sitting in a restaurant having a conversation with Sakuma Ryuuichi. Yeah, right. If only I could be so lucky. Cool things don't happen to guys like me. Well, not often, anyway. Not as much as I would like them to. 

"Mika always rushes home," I said. Just to have something to say at all. "Dad cuts his finger and suddenly it's a life or death situation. So she'll rush home. That's why she's the favorite kid." 

Ryuuichi looked puzzled. I smiled slightly. 

"I mean because he hasn't got me and Eiri trained like that. We don't get as worked up about stuff as she does." 

Too many close calls. After awhile, you had to start to wonder when there was something really wrong with him, or when he was crying wolf. I don't know, I blame a lot of it on age. He's getting older and the more the cancer spreads and the realization he's going to die in the next few years settles in, he wants us around more often. I guess the least we could do as his kids is be there for him, but he screwed up too much. Too much with Mika, more with Eiri, and I would have gone down the same path if he hadn't been diagnosed and reevaluated his life. 

"He's your dad," Ryuuichi said. He was still confused. I didn't think he would understand if I tried to explain my screwed family. 

"He's my dad, and I care about him, but why cry about it all the time?" I asked. "He's going to die. Everybody dies, so why worry about it? Just enjoy life." 

"That's sad..." 

It was sad. But it was the perfect way to survive. Indifference. The perfect shield to everything the world throws in your face. 

"I don't wanna talk about that," I said, shifting a little uncomfortably in my seat. I didn't like that it was bothering him. And I didn't like to think that it was giving him a bad impression of me. I wanted him to like me. 

"Okay," Ryuuichi said, and he let it drop just like that. He looked up at me, head inclined slightly. "Are you sure you're not hungry? I'm sta~rving." 

"Uh, I haven't got any money..." 

"That's okay! I'll pay." 

Just what I had been trying to avoid. "You don't have to do that..." 

"I want to." He blinked curiously, as though that should have been enough. I slumped down. 

"If you want, then," I muttered. 

The waiter came back and Ryuuichi ordered us an appetizer, something that completely flew over my head. I wasn't really listening. The pocket of my jacket was vibrating again. Shuuichi was probably trying to get a hold of me, or maybe it was someone else, one of my friends in Kyoto wondering when I'd be coming back. Didn't know, didn't really care. 

"Sakuma-san," I began, but Ryuuichi cut me off. 

"You can call me Ryuuichi," he said. 

Wow. I could call him Ryuuichi. Be still, my beating heart. 

"Ryuuichi," I repeated slowly, "did Touma... well, did he say why he wanted you to find me?" 

"He said your sister was worried," Ryuuichi replied simply. 

"That was all?" 

He shrugged. "I guess so." 

It was still weird. There had been a million and one times that I had gone out without telling anyone where I was going or without answering my phone, and Mika had never asked anyone else to help her find me. Granted, this was my first time being alone in Tokyo, but I still didn't think it was just dad that would make Touma felt guilty. Touma was rarely moved by anything. I only ever saw him worked up about anything if it had to do with Eiri. 

Which made me worry. I was sure Eiri was okay. He had a headache at the concert, no big deal. But Mika and Touma were acting like it was something else, something to really worry about, and that bothered me. 

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?" I asked suddenly. 

Ryuuichi shook his head. "Nope. Just me." 

"Lucky." 

He cocked his head. "Really? I think it's kinda lonely..." 

"Maybe... but it's also somebody to worry about all the time, and be annoyed with all the time, and to be lectured by, and... a whole lot of other crap that goes along with siblings." Mika and Eiri were driving me bonkers. 

"But you care about them," Ryuuichi said. 

"Yeah," I muttered, "I care about them." 

Sometimes I thought I cared more about them than they did me. I knew Mika cared. She was always trying to do things for my benefit, like this whole trip to Tokyo. But it always seemed like she had some kind of ulterior motive when she was doing nice things for me. And Eiri... hell, Eiri had pretty much ignored my existence ever since he had come back from New York. He had ignored everyone's existence, really. Hard to remember sometimes that they secluded jerk was the same guy that used to give me piggy-back rides around the back yard. 

"When're you having a concert next?" I asked. I wanted to turn the topic away from me and my siblings, to something he could talk about easier. Something about sitting around and bitching about my family just kinda rubbed me the wrong way. 

"Ummm." He scratched the back of his head, thinking. "Um... um... oh, yeah! I think we're supposed to go to Hokkaido to do a show." He took a swig of his water through the straw. "I think Shuuichi and them are coming." 

I blinked. "Yeah? Shuuichi didn't mention it." 

"It's not for awhile." 

The waiter came back with an order of gyoza. I was suddenly relieved. Something I was familiar with. He left us two pairs of chopsticks, and with Ryuuichi's approval, I snatched up a dumpling and popped it into my mouth. 

"Do you wanna come?" Ryuuichi asked me suddenly, head inclined, eyes wide and curious. 

"Uh?" I choked down the food in my mouth. "What, to the show?" 

He nodded eagerly. "Yeah, yeah." 

I didn't doubt I'd be back home in Kyoto when Ryuuichi and Shuuichi were going to do their show in Hokkaido. Asking dad to let me run away for a weekend for a concert would probably earn me an ear-splitting lecture. I was already disregarding too many of my 'family duties' by being here in Tokyo to begin with, not to mention the million and one times I've skipped out to go to concerts before. I didn't think I'd be able to get Mika on my side either. 

"I'll try," I said. It was the least I could do. 

Ryuuichi was happy with that much anyway, and that was good enough for me. 

We finished the gyoza and the waiter brought the bill. Ryuuichi paid while I kept swearing up and down I'd back him back. He just waved me away, smiling. I was still feeling pretty bad about mooching as we walked back to his car. 

It was already dark outside. If it was home in Kyoto I was returning to, Dad would've worn out my hide yelling at me for being home so late. Eiri, on the other hand, would probably give me one of his bland looks and ignore me. 

"You've been taking care of me a lot since I got here," I said, watching as the buildings passed us by as Ryuuichi drove down the street. I glanced over at him. He looked back, smiling faintly, and shrugged. 

"No, really," I said. "I've spent more time with you than I have my brother. 

"Sorry?" he said, somewhat puzzled. 

I grinned. "Nah. I'd rather spend time with you." 

He just smiled. 

It was completely dark when he pulled up in front of Eiri's apartment complex. He pulled up to the curb and turned off the car. I sat there for a moment in silence, not really sure what to do. 

"You don't have to walk me up," I said finally. 

"Okay," he said. He smiled. "I'll watch until you're safe inside, then." 

I nodded. I started to reach for the door handle, but something stopped me. The words were coming out of my mouth before I had the chance to do anything to stop them. 

"So do famous singers like you date?" 

He didn't miss a beat. His eyes didn't leave me, his expression didn't change. He simply replied, "Sometimes." 

"People like me?" I pressed. 

The smile widened slightly. I could have sworn it did. "Sometimes," he repeated. 

"Then would you?" I asked. 

He didn't say anything. He reached across the space between us, wrapping his fingers around my wrist and drawing my hand toward him. I stared blankly as he turned it over, palm facing up, and from wherever he materialized it from -- I guess famous people always need one ready -- he used a felt tip pen to write out something on my hand. He gently released my hand, still smiling that strange smile that I knew meant there was more to him than anyone could ever see. I was only getting a glimpse of the person he really was. 

I looked down at my palm. It was a phone number. 

Sakuma Ryuuichi had given me his phone number. 

Excuse me while I hyperventilate. 

"Uh," I stuttered, "well, uh... I'll call you, then." 

"Okay," he said. 

I stumbled out of the car. "G'night." 

"Good night, Tatsuha-kun." 

By a kind stroke of fate, I was able to stumble into the apartment complex without falling flat on my ass. I closed the glass door behind me and turned around. Ryuuichi was still parked outside of the building. I didn't know if he could see me, not with the tinted windows of the car, but I lifted a hand and waved, smiling like an idiot. The cat that had gotten the mouse. 

I waited until the car had slowly driven away before turning around -- more like whirling around -- and barreling my way over to the elevator. I don't know how I reached Eiri's apartment. I swear my feet not once touched the ground until I was standing outside his apartment door and knocking. He hadn't given me a key. Thoughtful of him. 

It was Shuuichi that opened the door. Still grinning like an idiot, I bounded in. 

Eiri was sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette. He didn't look happy. 

"Where were you?" 

I stopped in my tracks. "No where important," I said. 

"Mika was worried," he said. 

I shrugged. "Yup, I know." I wandered into the kitchen and started to dig around the fridge, looking for something to drink. I pulled out a coke and leaned back against the counter. "I talked to her already," I continued. "It's no big deal." 

"You said you would be at the studio," Eiri said. 

What the hell was he so pissed about? "I decided I didn't want to go." 

"You should have let someone know." 

"Well, I didn't. Sorry. I'll try to remember next time." 

He sighed. He looked as though he wanted to say something more, maybe lecture me, be the responsible adult, but at the same time he looked like it was the last thing he wanted to do. Too tired. Too exhausted to give me a proper yelling session. 

But I was already annoyed. Him trying to be the responsible adult figure all of a sudden pissed me off. Eiri had always been nothing but a brother to me. When we were younger, he was always there for me, always dragging me along with him when he went places, even though he didn't want to. Even after he had come back from New York, and after whatever it was that had changed him, he was still nothing but a brother. Mika and Dad were the big, bad responsible adults. Not him. 

"You've got a severe stick up your ass, big brother," I muttered. "Don't take it out on me." 

His eyes flicked up to me. All I saw was anger. Pure and raw anger, and to be honest... it was scary. 

He didn't say anything. Nothing at all. He stared at me for a moment, just staring... and then he stood up and walked out of the room. I heard the door of his study slam shut and winced. 

What the hell had I just done? 


	8. Chapter Eight

**Author's Notes:** There is no excuse for the lateness of this chapter. There is also no excuse for the cliffhanger ending aside from the fact I seem to be a really mean human being. I promise to try to be more prompt with the next one, I swear. ^^ 

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**Chapter Eight**

Eiri didn't come out of his study. Shuuichi clawed and whined at the door for a good straight hour before finally giving up and slumping down in the hallway. I was splayed out on the couch, hands tucked behind my head, staring up a the ceiling. Shuuichi wouldn't talk to me. He had given me a single confused, startled glance before he had disappeared down the hall. I wasn't worried. It wasn't a look of surprise for the way I had been acting. It was more a look of surprise at Eiri's behavior, a sort of commiserating glance, I guess. 

I really was convinced that there was just some stick shoved up his ass that needed some rearranging. He had no reason to be pissed with me. So I had worried Mika. I had already talked to her and found out what the problem was. No big deal. Maybe he was pissed I had said I was going to the studio and ended up just wandering around the city. Anything could happen to me in the city. But hell. How much different from Kyoto could Tokyo be? Thus I cancelled out that option too. 

Maybe it was just a bad mood. Whatever. I didn't care. If he was in a bad mood, he could go beat a damn wall for all I cared. I wasn't going to listen to him try to be my dad. 

Huh, and the funny thing was, I had been worried about him. When Mika kept leaving me those voice mails, I had really started to worry and think that it was something to do with Eiri. He had been acting strange since we had gone to the concert. Everyone had been acting strange since then. I really had thought that something was wrong with him. It had scared the shit out of me. 

Now I couldn't care less. I kept thinking that if it were me that was acting weird, he would just tell me to shut the hell up and get over myself. I kept thinking that he wouldn't appreciate the concern. I kept thinking all these nasty things about him, and in just a few hours I had worked myself up to a true loathing of my brother. 

I was dozing when I heard the door open. I sat up on my elbows, straining to hear. It was completely silent in the apartment. The lights were out. I glanced at the clock. Almost two in the morning. Wow, time really flies when you're brooding. 

A stream of light appeared at the end of the hall. I could make out the faint shadow of Eiri's form. He stood still for a moment, facing which direction I had no idea, and then the shadow disappeared. I didn't hear footsteps, so I figured he had knelt down. 

"Shuuichi," I heard him say. His voice was gentle. I never heard that voice. 

Shuuichi made soft murmurings under his breath. I heard the rustle of movement as he sat up quickly. 

"Yuki," he said, "are you--" 

"You fell asleep in the hall," Eiri interrupted him. A sigh escaped him, so quiet I barely heard it. "Idiot." 

"Sorry," Shuuichi said. "I didn't mean to..." 

"It's all right. Come on, get up." 

Another sound of movement. I laid back down, just in case either of them came out into the living room for whatever reason, and pretended I was asleep. 

"Are you okay?" I heard Shuuichi ask quietly. 

"Fine," Eiri answered. 

I knew he was lying. Shuuichi knew it, too. 

"We're all worried about you," he said. 

I sat up again. I couldn't help it. Maybe I would finally get a clue about what was bothering Eiri. 

"I know... that it was around this time that..." 

Eiri cut him off, his words quick and harsh. "Don't." Dammit, I thought. He wasn't going to budge. 

It was quiet for a moment. I waited. The study door closed and it was dark again. I couldn't see either of their shadows. I heard Eiri murmur something below his breath, something only Shuuichi could hear, and then footsteps padded quietly down the hall. The bedroom door closed behind them. 

I flopped back against the couch. 

Well... shit. 

=====

Don't know how I fell asleep. Just did. Lying there staring up into space and then suddenly I was asleep. And just as soon as I was asleep, it was morning. 

Shuuichi was up and rattling around the kitchen. Eiri was either still in bed or had locked himself up in his study as usual, because I didn't see him anywhere. Yawning, I stretched out my arms above my head before lowering them to lace my fingers behind my head. Only then did I remember the night before and Ryuuichi writing his number across my palm. It almost felt like I could still feel the pen scratching across my skin. It was like a weird tingly sensation. I untucked my hand from under my head and lifted it up to my face to see the number again. 

But it wasn't there. 

"Oh _shit_!" 

Shuuichi practically dropped the bowl he was filling with cereal. "What's wrong?" he asked, eyes wide and mouth open. I scrambled up to my feet. 

"Oh shit!" I said again. "Oh crap, oh no, oh shit, oh dammit!" 

Shuuichi stared at me like someone had come along and cut off my head. Someone may as well had. I finally had the one thing I had always dreamed of right in the palm of my hand -- _literally_ -- and it was gone! I had lost it! 

"Tatsuha?" Shuuichi tried to get my attention. 

"The number!" I babbled. "I lost it!" 

"Number?" He continued to stare at me, dumbfounded. 

"Ryuuichi gave me his phone number last night! He wrote it down on my hand and it got wiped away!" 

It was that Coke, I realized. The soda I had the night before. It had started to sweat and it made the number wipe away. When I'd had my hands tucked behind my head, I'd made it even worse. Sakuma Ryuuichi's phone number had faded away thanks to my dumbass hair and a soda. 

"Why was Sakuma-san giving you his phone number?" Shuuichi seemed to be missing the point of my crisis entirely. I buried my face into my hands. 

"I asked him out!" I wailed. 

Shuuichi almost dropped the bowl again. I heard him squeak as he made a dive for it. 

"You asked out Sakuma-san?" 

"Well, it doesn't matter _now_," I said, not really meaning to snap, but it came out as one anyway. "Since now I've lost it and I won't be able to call him and oh shit he's gonna think I'm blowing him off oh crap what am I gonna do?" 

And Shuuichi was still wrapping his mind around the concept of me dating Sakuma Ryuuichi. Me too, actually, but if I didn't get that number, there would be no dating at all. I could've almost cried if it wasn't so... you know, wussy. 

Shuuichi poured some milk into his bowl with one hand, the other scratching thoughtfully at the back of his head. "I think Sakuma-san is practicing at some arena today for a concert," he murmured. "But I guess they wouldn't let you in there. Lots of security." 

I looked up. Light bulb on. Ping. 

"But you could get in, couldn't you?" 

Shuuichi blinked, yawned, and shoved a spoon into the bowl. "I dunno, it's kinda like... only band members and producers and that kind of thing..." 

"But you're popular and famous and Ryuuichi likes you, you could get in!" I exclaimed. 

"I guess I could try," he said, not sounding very convinced. 

I launched myself at him. "Please try, please try, please try, please say you'll try!" 

I almost knocked he and his cereal over. Eiri would've been pissed at the mess. Shuuichi just stared at me like I was possessed by some mad fan boy demon. ... I guess I sort of was. 

"Well, um, if it's that important to you..." 

"Yes! Yes! It's that important!" 

"Okay then," he said. Still bewildered. "We can go later." 

I swear I could have kissed him. Good thing I didn't. Eiri came out of his dungeon o' doom then, probably to see what the hell it was the two of us were being so loud about. I looked at him briefly. He looked tired. That was about all. Tired. I didn't let myself get too concerned about it. His problem, not mine. He'd made it clear how he felt about other people worrying about him. And why bother worrying about someone who doesn't give a shit less about you? 

"What's going on?" he asked. 

"Tatsuha and I are going to go see Sakuma-san," Shuuichi volunteered. I said nothing. Just strolled into the kitchen and started preparing myself my own bowl of cereal. I could practically feel Eiri's eyes on the back of my head. I kept waiting for him to say something, make some sarcastic remark, anything, but it never came. 

"Fine," was all he said, simple and dandy as that. For some reason it pissed me off. I had been expecting him so much to say something it pissed me off when he didn't. 

He made coffee and then retreated back into the depths of the dungeon. I dug not so happily into my cereal. 

I wondered how Mika was doing back at home in Kyoto. Dad was probably giving her hell about me and Eiri, saying that we should have come instead of her, that we should show some responsibility to the family. Yeah. Like giving up what I want or could do in life to be a monk isn't responsibility to the family? 

I didn't eat much. Food had suddenly lost its appeal to me. I managed to put away about half of the cereal and dump out the rest in the sink. I waited until Shuuichi was finished eating to bug him about Ryuuichi. 

"So, when can we go?" I asked. 

"Now, I guess," he said. 

"You don't have practice?" 

"Nope, not today." He gave me a smile. "Lemme get dressed and we'll go." 

I was still dressed in the clothing I'd worn the night before. While Shuuichi was out of the room, I dug out my duffel bag from underneath the couch and changed into a fresh pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Not that it could have been considered all that fresh. I stuffed everything into the bag after digging it all out of a hamper. It was my way of packing. 

When Shuuichi came back out, I bolted for the door, and waited for him impatiently, tapping my foot and basically just screwing around. I looked at my non-existent watch, to Shuuichi, to the phantom watch, back to Shuuichi... he actually rolled his eyes at me and I had to laugh. Something about Shuuichi possessing any amount of snark or sarcasm in him just makes me want to crack up. 

We had to take public transportation to get to where we were going. Eiri would have never even considered letting us borrow his car -- perish the thought, really. But it was probably better that way. I had once had the most unpleasant pleasure of being in a car with Shuuichi behind the wheel, and to say it simply, I was lucky that I survived with all limbs intact and all organs still in their rightful places. And me as a driver, well... I'm just a speed demon and would probably get us wrapped around a telephone pole before I'd get us to the arena. 

So bus rides it was. We made small talk for awhile, talking about anything that did not involve Eiri. Shuuichi and I actually have a lot in common aside from the fact we both are obsessed with Sakuma Ryuuichi, and we both are in some way connected to the great, grand novelist, Mister Yuki Eiri. We're both music nuts, for one, and can talk for hours on end about any band you could name because we're dorks like that. Video games, too, seemed to be a common thread, though I'm more into the shoot-'em-up hack'n'slash'em games while Shuuichi likes to play role-playing games and strategy stuff. 

Talking at least kept us occupied for most of the ride. But after awhile we both got kinda bored of it, and Shuuichi put on his headphones and bobbed silently along to the music, and I just sat looking out the window as we went along. And to whose amazement should it be that my thoughts turned to Ryuuichi. 

I wondered if he'd laugh at me. Probably. Or he'd smile that smile of his, that innocent, blank smile he showed everyone, and just give me the number again and tell me not to lose it. Or maybe he would smile that private smile, that less revealing smile I had never seen him give anyone, that smirk he had given only me... I was kinda hoping for that last one. Don't get me wrong, he's really cute when he's doing 'I'm an innocent minor' thing he does, but there's something a whole lot more... intriguing, I guess, about that more serious side he seems to only deem a few people worthy of seeing. 

The bus pulled up to yet another stop and Shuuichi punched me lightly in the arm, nodding slightly in direction of the exit to indicate it was ours. I stood up and let him lead the way, hands in the pockets of my jeans, all casual and relaxed. Yeah, relaxed. Cough, hack, wheeze. 

The place was enormous. It was one of the bigger music halls Tokyo had to offer, probably the biggest, and I was pretty sure that Bad Luck had played there at least once. Not head-lining, but opening up for Nittle Grasper. They hadn't yet reached the status of head-lining a place quite so enormous, but they were getting there. Maybe if they did Eiri would let Shuuichi move them out of his shabby little apartment into a better place. And hey, if that happened, maybe I'd just move in with them. 

Not. 

"Told you security would be big," Shuuichi muttered to me from the side of his mouth. I glanced up. There were police guards stationed all around the arena, and not a one of them looking like he enjoyed his job. They were just standing around, talking to each other, drinking their coffees and probably wondering what else they could have spent their Saturday mornings doing. I kinda thought it'd be easy to slip them by. 

"So...?" 

Shuuichi blinked at me. "So what?" 

I blinked back. "You're the famous singer here. Pull some strings." 

"Oh." Blank stare. "Oh, um, well..." 

I sighed and gave him a firm shove forward. He stumbled, whipped around to glare daggers at me, and then slowly picked his way forward after he felt he had given me a suitable 'go to hell' look. I waited as he approached the cop and began to talk to him in that animated, carefree way of his. Unfortunately the cop did not look like the kind type... 

"BUT--BUT---!" 

I winced at the sudden pitch Shuuichi's voice had hitched. I guess things weren't going well... 

"Tatsuha-san?" 

I turned. Far as I knew, nobody I knew in Tokyo was polite enough to call me Tatsuha-san. 

Then again, I was wrong. 

It was Miyame, the girl I had walked home a few days before. Taken off guard, I stared for awhile before being able to find my tongue. I hadn't thought I'd ever see her again -- I mean, there are millions of people in this city, and what are the chances? Then again fate has this funny way of kicking me in the ass. I never thought that I'd sleep in Sakuma Ryuuichi's apartment either, but that happened. 

"Oh, hey," I said, and I didn't do too good of a job keeping the surprise from my voice. "What're you doing here?" 

"My uncle owns this place. I was coming to see him." 

I boggled. Oh, some deity up there loved me. _Really_ loved me. 

"Are you serious?" I spurted. "Hey, hey, that means you could get me in, right?" 

She gave me a funny look. "Well, yes... why?" 

I glanced at Shuuichi, still arguing with the cop. I decided just to give her the short of it. "My favorite band is practicing here today. I was kinda hoping I could get in to listen." I gave her the best charming smile I could muster, and thought in the back of my mind I'd feel like shit for it afterward. I mean, here was this really sweet girl, and I was taking advantage of her just so I could drool some over Ryuuichi. 

But she just smiled a little and nodded. "I guess I could. Um... is that your friend?" 

Shuuichi was yelling at the cop, and... I could tell it was going to go bad fast. 

"Unfortunately," I answered, resisting the urge to slap my hand to my forehead. "Hey, Shuuichi! Shut up and get over here!" 

Shuuichi turned, blinked at me, turned back to the cop, sniffed haughtily, and ran over to me and Miyame. I smacked him upside the head on general principle. 

"This is Miyame," I said. "She's going to get us in." 

"Oh." He looked pretty damn sheepish. "Okay." 

"This is Shuuichi," I said to Miyame, jerking a thumb to him. "Shindou Shuuichi. He's in Bad Luck." 

Her eyes widened. "R-really?" She stared at him for a moment in awe, and then looked at me. "You have a lot of connections to famous people." 

I shrugged. "Yup. Guess so." 

We traded some more small talk for awhile before Miyame finally started to lead us along. The cop stopped her as he had Shuuichi, but she produced some form of I.D. from somewhere, explained who we were, and he waved us through kinda exhaustedly. I guess Shuuichi had worn him out and he figured three teenagers really couldn't cause a hell of a big problem. 

The three of us were like dwarfs inside the huge arena, and the center of the place, surrounded by all the audortium seating, seemed almost like an ant hill from where we stood. We walked down flight after flight of stairs, Miyame leading the way, while Shuuichi talked cheerfully about anything that came to mind and she responded politely and appropriately. I just rolled my eyes and walked along with them. 

We reached the lowest level of the arena. I could see Touma from where I stood, blonde hair poking out from beneath one of his usual ridiculous hats, and Noriko was not far from him, fingers plunking along her keyboard, and a bored expression on her face. I saw Ryuuichi too -- he had his back turned to us and seemed to be shouting something to someone below the stage, a microphone in one hand. 

"Well?" Shuuichi nudged me. "Aren't you going to do anything?" 

"What? Er... he's practicing, I can't bug him now." 

Shuuichi sighed in a way that made it seem like he was this all patient saint. "They're doing sound checks," he said matter of factly. "It's okay if you talk to him now." 

I glared. But as it turned out I didn't have to talk to him at all -- Ryuuichi found me first. 

"Tatsuha-kun!" He sounded surprised, and not exactly the happy kind of surprised. For whatever reason I felt bad for coming. 

But instead I just lifted my hand and waved feebly. "Uh... hi." 

Just as soon as I was feeling about as big as a cockroach, though, his expression split into a grin, and he laughed. "Hi," he said. He jumped down from the stage and approached us. "How'd you get in?" 

"This girl helped us," Shuuichi said helpfully. 

Ryuuichi smiled cheerfully at Miyame. "Okay then," he said, not sounding overly bothered by it, really, so I figured he wasn't in as bad of a mood as I had just suspected. 

Shuuichi, for whatever reason, probably thinking himself a real genius for whatever reason, suddenly took Miyame from the arm and babbled something about how would she like to meet the president of NG Records and Noriko, the famous female keyboardist of Nittle Grasper? Miyame glanced at me for help, but it was already too late; Shuuichi had dragged her away, and left me alone with Ryuuichi. 

I glanced at him. He was looking after Shuuichi, just as boggled as I was. I lifted a hand and ran my fingers through my hair. 

"So... uh." 

Might as well say it. 

"I lost your number." 

He blinked at me for a moment, startled or something by the abrupt comment. Then he slowly began to smile, and as I had hoped, it was that private, rare smile of his he had only given me. 

"Did you." 

God, that voice, that amused, smirking voice could melt me in my shoes. 

"Yeah," was what stumbled out of my mouth, and I poked at the ground with my shoe, praying to God that I didn't look like as much of an idiot as I felt. 

Suddenly a hand reached forward and a finger flicked me in the forehead gently. I blinked, lifting my head to stare at him through hair that had decided this moment was the best moment to block my vision. Ryuuichi just smiled that slight smile. 

"That's okay," he said. "I can give it to you again." 

Taming my fan boy beast was suddenly amazingly hard. I was kind of torn between staring at him blankly or blubbering something like a chicken with its head cut off. Or you know, a girl finding one of Eiri's books. 

I didn't do either. Because that was when Touma suddenly approached us, his expression somber, mouth tight. I glanced at him, and then to Shuuichi -- he stood with Miyame and Noriko, chewing at his lip, and staring at Touma. Something was up. But Touma hadn't told him yet what it was. 

"What?" I asked slowly. "What's with the face?" 

He swallowed. He was out of sorts, and I knew something was up -- something bad. Touma never lost his cool. 

"I just spoke to Mika-san," he said slowly. Again, he swallowed. Ryuuichi was frowning at him, eyes narrowed, and I was staring at him. I wanted to reach out and shake him and force him to say something. 

"Tatsuha-kun..." He paused. 

"What is it?" I demanded. "Just say it, Touma." 

He looked up at me, and there nothing but pure, raw regret in his eyes. 

"Eiri-san is in the hospital." 


	9. Chapter Nine

**Author's Notes:** I was quick on this one. ^^ I deserve a cookie. … or maybe not. Maybe I deserve a lynching. 

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**Chapter Nine**

I hate hospitals. I mean, who doesn't? But I really, _really_ hate hospitals. 

I hate the smell. I hate how everything is so perfect and neat and in order. I hate how everything is so white. Why is everything so goddamn white? It just makes it worse when blood spills. Nothing like crimson on white. 

Deliriously, I wondered what their laundry bill was, having to get blood out of their sheets and clothing and tiles as much as I figured they had to. 

Delirious was probably the right word for me. I was delirious. I didn't really know what the hell was going on. There were people coming and going all around us -- I had forgotten that too, how damn _busy_ the places are, and how many doctors you see, and yet there's never a one that can be bothered to see you for even a moment. We were sitting in the waiting room. Me, Mika, Touma, and a frazzled Shuuichi, gnawing on a nail, but otherwise just looking... blank and devoid of feeling. It scared me to look at him. 

Mika with her hands pressed to her knees, prim and proper, Touma with his back hunched, staring down at the tile hard and saying nothing... and me, slouched in my chair, a leg pulled up so my knee touched my chin, and an arm draped carelessly around my shin. The other foot skidded along the floor. 

Ryuuichi and Noriko had opted to not come with us. They probably felt that it wasn't their place. Noriko had offered a reassuring smile and told us to get going, but Ryuuichi had looked... really serious. He just nodded to Touma, some silent exchange between them. Touma walked away then, Mika at his side, and Shuuichi trailing blankly behind him. 

He gripped my arm briefly before letting me go to follow them. His face was grim, but the pressure was somehow reassuring to me. I had murmured a thanks, and he smiled, quick and brief, and then gestured for me to go. 

So we were in the hospital, and I was remembering how much I hated them. 

I couldn't have cared less about a hospital when I was a kid. It was just a place you had to go every now and then, you know? Get your shots, cry for a bit about your new bruise, and then get a lollipop, and everything was all better again. 

But it wasn't that easy when your mother was dying of cancer. It wasn't that easy at all. Nobody gave her a shot and made her all better, nobody gave her a lollipop and told her to go home and be a good little girl for her mommy and daddy. No, it was long, horrible treatments day in and day out, it was the constant chemotherapy, it was the blood transfusions, it was all the prescriptions and the bottles and the pills... 

And nothing ever saved her. For all of that, nothing saved her. 

When I was fourteen, I was in a car accident. It was no big deal. I had been coming home with a friend and his dad, and we had been slammed into on the right side by a guy blazing through the intersection. My friend's dad got away without much trouble, my friend with some bruises, cuts, and a concussion, and I somehow got my arm broken. It's all a blur to me so I don't know how it happened, I just remember laying on the pavement and a light shining in my eyes as the paramedics tried to bring me to. 

I was kept overnight in the hospital for observation purposes, arm up in a sling and pumped with a nice amount of codeine. Mika had come back home the second she heard, and weirdly enough, Touma had come along with her. It was weird to me because it was only a broken arm, after all; it wasn't like I was going to die. Still, they both came to the hospital to see me. Dad stayed for awhile, but he had to split eventually. So they stayed. 

The nurses kept waking me up on the hour of every hour just to make sure I didn't have a concussion. But when it was getting close to two in the morning, when they were going to come in to wake me up again, I woke myself up for them. I just sat up and started screaming. 

Even now I don't remember the dream. I remember waking up, and I remember screaming like someone was trying to kill me, but I don't remember the dream. I remember it being white, blindingly white even. I remember hearing my mother's voice. And I remember hearing more, stranger voices that still give me the chills when I think about them now. 

Mika had freaked out and rushed for a nurse, but Touma stayed behind. He gripped me around the shoulders with an arm, holding me tight against him, and just saying over and over again that things would be okay. He kept saying that. Over and over again, that things would be okay, that I would be fine, and I had nothing to be scared of. 

Then he said, 'I'm sorry.' 

I didn't know why. I still don't know why, but something about that sorry was so anguished. Like he felt responsible or something. 

Mika came back and I latched onto her begging that she take me home. I said something about how creepy hospitals were, and how much I hated to be there, but Mika told me I had to until the doctors said it was okay. 

_But Mom_ died _here! She_ died! 

She took me home then. I said that, and she took me home. The doctors were pissed and told her she couldn't do that, but she pulled that evil Mika Glare on them, and they all were quick to shut up. I fell asleep with my face buried in her lap back at the house. 

I hadn't been hospital since then. 

And I wasn't happy about being in one now. 

I stood up and started to pace. Hell if I was just going to sit there wondering what was going on. Nobody spared a glance to me. Touma kept staring fixedly at the floor, Shuuichi gnawing his nail and staring out the window, and Mika sitting prim and pretty. 

The doctor came. Finally, he came, and Touma and Mika were on their feet at once. Shuuichi remained grounded, and I stood there, scuffing my feet along the floor. 

"We had to pump his stomach," the doctor explained. 

There was a gasp from Mika, and I thought I saw a twitch of movement from Shuuichi. But Touma just stood listening. 

"He had ingested a lethal amount of prescription drugs," the doctor continued, "mostly anti-depressants and a few sleeping pills..." 

I remembered those bottles. Those orange prescription bottles, and how many of them Eiri kept stashed in his medicine cabinet. I remembered him popping pills a few times and thinking not much of it. It had bothered me, but I had let it go. 

I shouldn't have let it go. 

"I understand he has a history of stress-related ulcers?" the doctor asked, indicating his question to Touma and Mika. "Has he been under a heavy amount of stress lately?" 

"Yes..." Mika murmured it, softly. I snapped my head up and stared at her. Eiri _always_ had a stick up his ass as far as I was concerned, but if Mika was saying it, it was something more. It wasn't just his usual stress, it was something else. 

The doctor continued in that usual monotone doctors have, probably thinking about some golfing trip he had planned, and not about the fact my brother could have damn well died. "Since he has no history of drug abuse it is up to the family whether or not rehab is an option, but you ought to bear it in mind." 

"He wasn't addicted," I snapped. 

He looked up at me, as though just noticing I was even there. But then he looked right back to Mika, asking her with his eyes for clarification. 

"He wasn't," she echoed. "It was just the stress getting to him, I'm sure..." 

The doctor shrugged. "Well, you may see him if you like, but please only two at a time." He left us then, going off to do his other doctorly duties, and I knew by morning, our faces and problems would have vanished from his memory. Why should he give a shit about one patient in the long run? Patients were never individuals when it came to them, just another face, and just another check in their wallet. 

"Tatsuha?" Mika looked at me. I shook my head and backed up. 

"No. Let Shuuichi go." 

She nodded, turning her gaze to Shuuichi. Slowly, Shuuichi got up, and after being given directions to the room, he went alone. 

Touma and Mika sat back down. I kept pacing. 

To me, it felt like it had been an hour before Shuuichi came back, but it could have been shorter. Not having much to occupy my mind with, it seemed like a hell of a long time to me. Again, Mika asked me if I wanted to go, and again I told her no. So away she and Touma went. 

Shuuichi sat and said nothing. I opened my mouth a few times to try and say something reassuring to him, but no words would come. All of a sudden it was dry and cracked, and I couldn't even swallow. 

It may not have been an hour that Shuuichi was gone, but it _was_ an hour until Touma and Mika reappeared. Mika looked stressed and pissed all at once, but Touma just looked tired and drained. I figured it was my turn to go. 

"I'll go," I said, and I doubt if any of them really heard me. So shoving my hands in my pockets, I wandered away, prowling along in search of his room. 

The door was pulled to. I nudged it open and slowly poked my head inside. It was a shared room, and the curtain was drawn around the opposite side. I walked in as quietly as I could and was relieved to see that Eiri was in the first bed instead of the other; passing some other sick guy by didn't really appeal to me. Who knew what he had. Sick people have always given me the willies. I pity them and all, but I hate to see people suffer like that. I can't do it anymore, not after Mom. 

But the fact he was the first bed's occupant was about as far as my relief would go. Strapped to an IV, a heart monitor to the other side, Eiri almost looked like a corpse, swallowed in that big, _white_ bed. His skin was pale, and dark circles were sketched beneath his eyes. He looked like a man that had never slept, like a prisoner of war that had just returned to the homeland. He looked awful. 

His dull, dead eyes just looked at me blankly when he noticed me standing there. 

"Hi," I said, and damned if it didn't come out as a squeak. My mouth was still dry, and so my voice came out hoarse. I sounded like a pre-pubescent kid that was just starting to have his voice break. 

There was a chair pulled up beside the bed, one I figured had probably been occupied by Shuuichi, and then by Mika. Touma would have just stood. I flopped into it, and resting my elbows on my knees, leaned forward slightly. 

"How you feeling?" I asked. Stupid question. But nothing else was really coming to mind. 'Hi, big bro, how ya doing, here you're kinda stressed, guess you went and popped a shit load of pills to take care of it.' 

Right. 

"Been better," he replied, voice dry and bland as ever. I could have smiled. No, I couldn't. Smiling was the last thing I could do, and it was probably going to be the last thing I could do for awhile. 

I didn't know what I was feeling. I was angry, but at the same time I was worried out of my mind, and on top of being worried, I was relieved. I wanted to scream and yell at him, but then I wanted to hug him and say how glad I was he was okay. I didn't know what to do. 

So I settled for the blunt approach. Or maybe it was my mouth settling on that approach for me because there the question was, out in the open, and I had no chance to stop it before it was said. 

"Why'd you do it?" 

He looked at me slowly, and I could see he was tired. Not tired how he had been for the past few days, that exhausted tired that had worried me. This was a sad sort of tired look. Sad was not something I often equated with Eiri. 

I thought he wouldn't answer me; he was quiet for so long. But then he did, voice soft, and I had to lean forward to hear him. 

"There are a lot of things you don't know, Tatsuha." 

I blinked at him. What kind of thing was that to say? Yeah, I knew there were a lot of things no one would tell me. I had known that since I was a kid. Ever since I was little, it seemed like all my family wanted to do was keep me in the dark about everything. No one ever told me anything and it was frustrating as hell. 

And it wasn't fair to take it out on Eiri, but I wasn't thinking. My mouth was moving faster than my brain. All I knew was that I was pissed off, really pissed off, and all of a sudden I was on my feet and yelling at him. 

"Yeah, no fucking shit there a lot of things I don't know! No one will fucking _tell me_! You can't tell Tatsuha, God forbid anyone tell Tatsuha, he might just break if he hears anything bad. Fuck you! I deserve to know, just as much as Mika does, just as much as Touma, just as much as Shuuichi! You're my brother too!" 

The nurse had come in during that little tangent of mine. She grabbed my arm and looked at me like I was some demon from hell. 

"Sir, _please_, this is a _hospital_," she hissed. 

"No shit, lady," I barked at her. 

"Shut up, Tatsuha." It was Eiri, sounding as quiet and drained as ever. And I did. I don't know why but I shut up completely. I collapsed into the chair, and with some assurances from Eiri that I would not make a scene again, she left us alone with a quick, hateful look at me. I stuck my tongue out at her retreating back. 

Eiri sighed. "You're right," he said, and I did a double take. 

"What?" I asked. 

"You do deserve to know." 

It struck me then that I didn't know what it was I deserved to know. I know that the family had been keeping something from me, for years and years now, but I had never really stopped to wonder what it was. I only knew it had something to do with Eiri, and it was something that not even Mika would tell me. It was something Eiri never wanted to repeat. 

"Okay," I said, slowly. "Tell me." 

And he did. He told me everything. Told me how he had not been able to get along with our father ever since our mother had died, how Touma had seen that anguish and wanted to do something for him. He told me that Touma had wanted him to go to New York to relax and experience life outside of the family. He said it was there that he had met Kitazawa Yuki, the man his penname was taken from. 

His voice hitched slightly as he continued, telling me how devoted he had been to Kitazawa, and how much he had wanted to be like him. He told me how much it hurt when he went home, back to that apartment, and Kitazawa had been there -- had touched him, and none of it was wanted, none of it he had ever asked for. I choked when he told me about the two men, and how Kitazawa had sold him out to those men, and only for a lousy twenty bucks. 

They raped him, he said, and then he had shot them. All three of them, he had shot them dead. 

He was silent then, and so was I. 

Then I spoke, words almost drowned out by my sudden, choking sobs. "Good," I said. "Good. They deserved to die." 

"I thought so, too," he said, and I wondered if he was crying, too. "That was why," he continued. "Today is the day that it happened, the anniversary of it." 

"So you took all those pills," I finished. 

He nodded. 

We sat there a long time in silence. And then I stood up. He looked at me, surprised, but it was too late. I was gone. I was running, and I didn't know where the hell I was going. 

Mika caught my sleeve as I blundered into the waiting room, but I shook her hand away and kept going, running as hard and fast as I could, and ignoring their voices calling my name. 

I ran, right out of the hospital, into the dark street, and kept running. I was exhausted within a half hour, but I kept going, walking now, and nearly tripping over myself. I wanted so badly to just stop and fall asleep. 

But I kept walking, and I don't know how it happened, but there I was -- standing in front of Eiri's apartment door. I dragged the key he had given me out of my pocket and shoved it into the keyhole. Threw the door open then, not bothering to turn on the lights. I only needed to go into the kitchen, anyway. 

Almost all the cabinet doors were ripped off their hinges by the time I was done. I grabbed every single prescription bottle I could find, and I went into the bathroom, and dumped every pill down the toilet. I flushed all of them. 

And then I stumbled out, slamming the door behind me, and I kept walking. 

I remembered the way. I remembered how to get there. I got on the next bus that came around the corner, and I rode it to his apartment. 

Walking up the stairs felt like something or someone else was in control of my body. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know why I was going to him. I wanted to turn around more than once, but then I was standing there, and I was lifting my hand, and I was knocking. 

He opened the door. I had probably caught him at a bad time. I mean, he was shirtless. But for once I didn't drool or blush or think about how lucky I was to see that. I just stood there. 

"Tatsuha-kun." 

I started to cry. 

"He could have died," I said. "He could have died." 

And I just kept repeating it over and over again, until Ryuuichi took me firmly into his arms and held me. 


	10. Chapter Ten

**Author's Notes:** I honestly don't know at this point when the next chapter will be done, so please bear with me. I hope you enjoy. 

--------

**Chapter Ten**

Ryuuichi sat me down on his couch, brought me a glass of water, and then promised he would be right back -- he was kinda wandering around half-naked and all. I tried to drink the water, but it just lumped in my throat. It was like I had forgotten how to swallow. I got about two gulps down before I felt like I was going to retch it all back up, and I had to put it aside. Even then, I still felt lousy, but wonders of wonders, I managed to not throw up my cookies. And how mortifying it would have been if I had. After my last amazing upchucking abilities in front of Ryuuichi, I wasn't keen on doing it again. 

I felt stupid. Ryuuichi was the last person I would have wanted to fall to pieces on. I kept thinking that if I had kept walking, if I had stopped myself, I could have just wandered around the city for a few hours, cleared my thoughts, and been fine again in the morning. But no... I was at his place before I knew what else I was doing, and before I could turn and run away, he had me in his arms. 

It was a long time that we stood there, door open, him shirtless and me a crying mess on his shoulder. In that moment I didn't feel nearly as stupid as I did afterward. All I had wanted then was comfort and someone to bawl on who wouldn't give me a funny look or think I wasn't being myself or try to get me to say what was wrong. I couldn't have stayed there and talked to Mika. I love her, but Mika isn't so good at the comforting thing. She gets frustrated, and when she's frustrated, she gets snappy, and she ends up making things worse. Shuuichi was too much of a mess himself, too, and Touma... he probably would have just apologized to me, and I didn't want to hear it. 

I don't cry that easily. I really don't... and I don't know why I did. It had happened to Eiri, not to me. It was his grief, not mine. But it still hurt me. I thought about the way he had been before, I thought about how much he had smiled back when I was younger, how he had always been nice to me and would take me along with him to the movies with his friends, even though I was just the obnoxious kid brother. I remembered how he would give me piggy-backs around the yard and share his dessert with me. 

And then I remembered the jaded, bitter person he had come back as. He never smiled, he barely spoke a word, and it was like I hardly existed to him. He never even spared me as much as a glance. So I pulled away from him, as much as he pulled away from me, until it came to the point that we only spoke a few passing words. 

I wanted to kill those guys. Your parents always tell you that hate is a harsh word and you should never use it, but I hated them more than anything in the whole goddamn world in that moment. I would have given anything to have them alive again just so I could have the satisfaction of killing them. It was a satisfaction I knew Eiri would have never relished. 

It scared me to think like that, and I shuddered. No. As much as they had hurt him, there was nothing I could do. Nothing. And that was probably the most frustrating thing of all. 

Ryuuichi came back, dressed in dark slacks and a white button-down shirt. It was kind of weird to see him dressed so casually. Even when I had spent the night in his apartment he hadn't worn much of what people would consider normal clothing. It was kind of funny at the same time, though. Everybody else in the world saw him as this pop icon and expected him to be that wild, open personality they saw at concerts and on TV, but with me, he was everything but that. But I didn't mind. I liked both. 

"Feeling better?" he asked. 

I didn't know how to answer. I didn't feel better, but saying no would have been... weird. So I settled on the very noncommittal shrug of a shoulder. 

He sat down with me on the couch. He looked like he was torn a moment, wondering whether or not he should say something or try to give me a reassuring touch. I swallowed. 

"Sorry." 

He lifted his head and looked at me, obviously confused. "Why?" 

I ran a hand through my hair, probably just succeeding in making it more of a mess than it already was. "For... bursting in on you like this. Again..." I sighed. "I've been a real pain in the ass for you the whole time I've been in Tokyo." 

"I've had fun," he said, almost cheerfully. I stared at him. 

"Fun?" 

"You're fun," he said, shrugging slightly, though he seemed kind of uncertain if that was the word he had wanted to use. He reached over and poked me in the nose. "I have fun when you're around. Something about you..." He trailed off then, and I would have given anything to hear what he would have said. 

But he didn't say anything, and it didn't seem like he would. I gave it up. 

"How is your brother?" he asked instead, gently. 

I knew he was going to ask, and probably if it were anyone else, I would have punched them and told them to mind their own business. But if it was him, I didn't mind. 

"They had to stomach pump him," I answered. "He overdosed on a bunch of anti-depressants and sleeping pills, stuff like that. He'll be okay, but I'm guessing they'll be holding him for awhile." 

Ryuuichi nodded slowly. "What about Shuuichi?" 

I paused. I didn't know. He had seemed too shell-shocked to be feeling much of anything, and jerk that I am, I hadn't done anything to try and talk to him or comfort him. Some friend I turned out to be. 

Some brother too, rushing out on Eiri like that... and not listening to Mika when she yelled after me... 

Here came that huge guilt trip settling in. And the funny thing was, I didn't even need Mika to lay it on me. I did it all myself. 

I'm so fucking proud. 

"Don't know," I replied. "He was a mess..." 

Mika and Touma would take care of him. Bitch as much as she did about Shuuichi, I knew Mika liked him (though she would say she 'tolerates' him), and Touma seemed to have accepted the fact that he was never going to just up and disappear. They both would make sure he was all right, would probably take him home even. They'd be more than nice to him. 

Me, on the other hand... I was going to get skinned alive. 

Ryuuichi didn't bother telling me that Eiri would be all right, or that things would work out in the end, and I really appreciated it. He didn't talk down to me like I was some little kid; he talked to me like he would talk to anyone else, maybe on an entirely different level than he _did_ talk to most people. People see too much that I'm sixteen, just a kid to them, and they treat me like one. I hate it. 

But Ryuuichi didn't do that, and at that moment, I could've hugged him for it. It was the last thing I needed, that kind of condescending sympathy. It'd just piss me off. 

"Do you want to stay here?" he asked me. 

Where else was there to go? Back to Eiri's place? I didn't want to go there. The more I thought about it, Touma and Mika would probably take Shuuichi to stay with Hiro anyway. He needed to be with somebody who would stop him from slitting his wrists in a fit of depressive insanity, and Hiro was just the guy for that job. So going back to an empty apartment was the last thing I wanted to do. 

"I don't want to be in your way," was what came out of my mouth, though. I'm good at that whole brain-mouth contradictory thing. 

"You wouldn't be." 

I grinned a bit. "You say that only because you don't know any better." 

He looked like he was considering it. 

"Er, I'll be good," I said quickly. 

He smiled. "'Course you will," he said, and he bopped me on the nose again. "You hungry?" 

I was, but I hadn't been thinking about it at all. The last thing I had eaten was breakfast, and I'd barely been able to shovel much of that down. I nodded. 

"Kind of." 

"Okay," he said, brightly, and he jumped up, springing off to the kitchen. I guessed he was happy about having something useful to do for me. Or something. I could've been too busy ogling his butt as he walked off, who knows. 

... maybe I wasn't as bad off as I thought. 

I wondered what happened to Miyame. I bet she thought we were all a bunch of lunatics. And she was probably right about that. I've never met a weirder bunch than my family and all our 'personal attachments.' I kinda felt bad, to be honest. I hadn't been able to say thanks for getting us into the arena at the very least, and I hadn't even said anything to her when we had taken off for the hospital. If I saw her again sometime, I'd have to do that. 

I got up after awhile and wandered over to the kitchen, where Ryuuichi was making sandwiches. I had to grin. One of Japan's most famous musicians, and he was making me a sandwich. The grin broke into a laugh, and Ryuuichi looked over his shoulder at me, puzzled. 

"What?" he asked. 

Shaking my head, I lifted a hand and tried to wave it dismissively, but by then I was laughing too hard to do much of anything. "Nothing," I gasped out. "It's nothing. I've just lost my marbles." And I probably had, but damn, it felt good to be laughing again. 

Ryuuichi set down a plate topped with a sandwich in front of me, still giving me a funny look. I swallowed down my laughter. 

"Don't worry," I said, picking up the sandwich, "I'm not that insane." 

"Uh huh," he said, one eyebrow slightly raised. 

"I'm serious!" I took a bite of the sandwich. Having something in my stomach made me feel a little less lousy. Made me a little hysterical too, I guess. 

But Ryuuichi just smiled, looking relieved. "Whatever you say, Tatsuha-kun," he said. 

I paused mid-bite. "Tatsuha," I said. 

He blinked. "Uh?" 

"Just call me Tatsuha," I said. Tatsuha-kun was what teachers and parents of my friends called me. I didn't want him to do it, too. He looked like the request confused him, but then he just smiled and nodded. 

"Okay," he said. "Tatsuha." 

The phone rang then. So very anti-climatic. I didn't think much of it and just went right on eating my sandwich while Ryuuichi went over to pick it up. I didn't start listening until he said a name that had my head snapping up. 

"Ah, Mika-san..." I stared at him. 

"Yeah," he continued, "he's here. No, don't worry... he's okay." Pause. "No, you don't need to come get him. It's late, you should go home and rest." Another pause, then he nodded, even though she could not see him. "Sure, you can come get him tomorrow. Okay. Bye." 

"Thanks," I said when he hung up the phone. I didn't want Mika barreling down on me just yet. I'd be more prepared for the long lecture that would come about my making trouble for Ryuuichi tomorrow. 

He shrugged and smiled. "No problem." He paused. "You know, you should get some sleep, too." 

I glanced at the clock. "Shit." It was practically three in the morning. I had lost track of time in the hospital. 

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered why the hell Ryuuichi had been awake so late. Well, I figured I'd showed up at this place around two... so it made since that he might've still been awake. Oh well. Didn't really matter. What mattered was that it was late, and I was exhausted. 

"Okay," I said, pushing away my plate. "Uh... where do you want me to sleep?" 

"You can sleep in my room," he said. "You already have before." 

Down, blush. Down. 

"Uh, I can just stay on the couch." 

He raised an eyebrow at me. "You sure?" 

"Positive. Just gimme a pillow and I'll crash." 

"Okay," he said. He disappeared from the room, and I heard him padding down the hall, followed by the sound of a door opening. A second later he had reappeared, carrying his arms some blankets and pillows. I got up to help him with the load. 

"Thanks for letting me stay," I said as I tossed the pillows to the couch and started to spread out the blanket. 

"S'okay. You sure you'll be okay out here?" 

I flopped onto the couch. It was a hell of a lot more comfortable than Eiri's was, that was for sure. His felt more like a slab of rock than it felt like a piece of furniture. 

"Yup. I'll be fine." 

He nodded. "Okay. Sleep well." He smiled and waved as he turned and wandered back down the hall. I fell back, tucking my hands behind my head, and staring up at the ceiling. 

I wondered how Eiri was doing. It was late. He had probably konked out by now. I figured they'd keep him for awhile. They'd probably try to push for the rehab too, but I knew Touma wouldn't let that happened. It wasn't like it was something that happened all the time. It was just this once. 

At least, I thought it had never happened before. Who knew, considering how content my family was to never tell me a damn thing. 

Shuuichi was probably with Hiro by now. Mika and Touma would have taken him to stay with his friend. Neither of them were cruel enough to abandon him alone. So I hoped Hiro was taking care of him... because I still felt like shit for running out on him like that. I didn't know if there was anything I could have done for him, but staying would have been a hell of a lot more helpful than running out like I did. 

I sighed and rolled over onto my side. If I kept on depressing myself, I was never going to get any sleep. 

That was when a pink thing dropped out of nowhere and into my face. I stared blankly, blinking a few times until it came completely into focus. 

It was Kumagoro. 

"Uh?" 

"Kumagoro will cheer you up." 

I looked up. Ryuuichi stood at the end of the couch, smiling. I slowly picked up the stuffed rabbit from my chest. 

He had said that before. At the wedding, after mom had died. He had told me Kumagoro would cheer me up. 

"Good night, Tatsuha," he said, and then he was gone. 

I fell asleep smiling, and damned if I wasn't cuddling that bunny, too. 

=====

Somebody was talking, in that kind of hushed voice people use when they're trying not to disturb someone, but it still comes off like an obnoxious yell anyway. I crammed a pillow down over my ears, hoping to block out the sounds, and you believe me, they just got louder. What wonderful luck I have. 

Finally, I sat up, tearing the pillow from my face and glaring around. I had absolutely no clue where I was. The only thing I had completely grasped was the fact that someone was disturbing some much needed rest and I was not in the least happy about it. 

Three faces blinked back at me. Touma, Mika, and Ryuuichi. 

"Toldja you'd wake him," Ryuuichi said, matter-of-factly, and looking kinda smug at that. Touma shrugged. 

"Zuh?" I stared at them blankly. 

Mika favored me with a bland gaze. "Good morning," she said. 

"Good morning..." I said slowly. I looked at Ryuuichi, as if he could give me some kind of explanation about their sudden appearance. But he just shrugged his shoulders. 

Mika folded her arms. "Gotten attached to that, have you?" 

She was looking down at me. And I... was still cuddling the bunny. Better take this one with dignity. 

"Yes, I have," I said, solemnly. "We're running away together to Tahiti and getting married." 

Ryuuichi snickered. Touma smiled. Mika was not amused. Oh well, she was a pill anyway... 

"How's Eiri?" I asked. 

She shrugged. "Alive." 

I was cranky enough from being woken up I might have snapped back with something sarcastic and scathing, but I bit my tongue. Tempting as it was to tell Mika what a bitch she could be sometimes, I couldn't. I, unfortunately, understand my siblings and all their screwed up head issues, probably better than I do my own. And I know that Mika's way of dealing with stress and being worried was by shutting out the world and putting on her tough girl image. 

But it's not so tough. A couple months ago, Mika and Touma were home in Kyoto because Dad had been really sick, and none of the treatments were taking too well. She was quick to snap at me or criticize me for the damndest thing that whole week, and not even by the end of their stay, I was about ready to do something equally nasty in return. It was nearing the end of the week and I was on edge as it was, going out of my way to avoid Mika if I could, when I heard something like sniffling coming down the hall. I had followed the sound and peeked into the spare room, where it was coming from. 

It was Mika, sitting with Touma, and crying on his shoulder. The stress of everything had finally gotten to her and she had just completely buckled under. 

I was nicer to her after that. Instead of going out of my way to avoid her, I went out of my way to help her and Dad out the best I could. And she started to relax and treated me nicer, too. 

So I bit my tongue, though it sure as hell would have been nice to say something nasty. 

"Well, all right then," I said instead. "Alive is better than dead, after all." 

"Why did you run out?" she demanded, abruptly. 

I paused. 

Why? Because I was upset. Because I was angry. I don't know. I just knew I didn't want to be near them, any of them. Not until I had some time to sort through things on my own. 

I didn't bite the snappy come back reflex down so well this time. "Why didn't you tell me about what happened in New York?" 

Her eyes widened. Touma made some sound of surprise, and poor clueless Ryuuichi had no idea what to think. 

Mika swallowed. "He told you?" 

"Yeah, he told me," I said, and when I got going, it was hard to stop. "He told me about what those guys did to him, and he told me that yesterday would've been the anniversary of it, and that's why he's been so damned depressed lately. That's why he swallowed all those pills. Yeah, he told me all of that. But you sure as hell didn't." 

She drew back as though I had struck her. "Y... you were so young then, Tatsuha, I couldn't--" 

"I'm not so young anymore," I cut in. "Okay, so I was a kid then, but I'm not anymore, you should've--" 

"You _are_ a kid!" she exclaimed, and I was startled into silence. "You think sixteen is grown up, Tatsuha? You don't know anything! _Eiri_ was sixteen then! He was just a child!" 

That was it. That was what she had always been so afraid of. That was what she was _always_ afraid of. Eiri had gone to New York and something terrible had happened to him; maybe the same would happen to me. She always wanted to protect us. Nagging at Eiri all of the time, butting into his life when it was obvious he did not want her nor need her there, getting after me for skipping classes and never doing my homework... 

I suddenly felt like the world's biggest asshole. 

"Mikarin..." 

She cut me off, "We're going home to Kyoto." 

I jumped to my feet. "What?! Why?" 

She wouldn't look at me. "It's too hard on you being here. And it'll be too hard on Eiri, having you to think of when he needs to only be concerned with recovering--" 

"What, and I'm just in the way?" I snapped. "Me being here is just going to make him try to kill himself again?!" 

I shouldn't have said it. No one had said suicide. No one had ever thought for a second that was what Eiri had been trying to do; that all along, what he had really wanted was to just kill himself. No one even dared to think it. It was just a mistake, we all said, it was just a few too many pills. 

But I said it. Her head snapped up, and she whirled around. The flat of her hand flew across the side of my face, and for a moment I was too stunned to realize what had happened. Then the pain seeped in. 

"Mika-san!" Touma grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her away from me, into his arms. I stood there dumbly, one hand pressed to my red, bruising cheek. 

"You're going home!" she said. Her voice was muffled against Touma, but I still heard it. "And that's it!" 

Touma spared a glance to Ryuuichi, and there was some silent passing between them. Gently, he began to draw Mika away, talking to her in soft tones. I watched them disappear down the hall, listening to Mika cry. 

I sat down hard, my hand still pressed to my face. She had never hit me before. My own mother had never hit me before. It hurt, like someone had lit a fire under my skin. I had been punched before, but never like that. And I thought, for one crazy moment, it hurt more because it had been Mika. 

I heard the sound of movement around me, the opening and closing of the fridge, and then Ryuuichi was sitting down beside me. He slowly peeled my hand away from my face and replaced it with a washcloth packed with ice. I winced. It still hurt. 

After a moment, I lifted my head and looked at him. "She hit me," I said dumbly. 

He nodded and smiled grimly. "Yeah," he said, "she clobbered you." 

"I..." I blinked a few times. I thought I might cry. It just _hurt_. "She's never hit me before." 

Ryuuichi didn't say anything, and I stumbled on. "It's not like, it's not that... I don't think that was really it, you know? I don't think he was trying to kill himself... he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't do that to Shuuichi. But..." 

"But?" Ryuuichi asked gently. 

"But... they don't stomach pump people who just want to take a few pills to relax..." 

There was nothing he could say, and he didn't try. We just sat there in silence, me staring dumbly at the floor, and Ryuuichi pressing an ice pack to my face. 

Mika and Touma came back after awhile. Mika didn't look at me. She walked straight across the room and out the door. All three of us did nothing, until finally, Touma sighed. 

"Tatsuha-kun," he began, slowly, "... we should go now." 

I looked up at him. "I don't want to go home." 

He looked tired. Almost as bad as Eiri had been looking for the past few days. But I didn't think it meant he was going to go cramming any pills down his throat anytime soon. Yay for one of us not being a suicidal maniac. Touma just looked like he really needed some sleep. 

"It's not my choice," he answered, and he sounded almost sad. 

It wasn't mine either, I thought. I was sixteen. Mika was right. Just a kid. What could I do? What did I know? 

"Okay." 

I stood up, and Ryuuichi stood with me. He lowered the icepack, and I was relieved to feel that some of the pain had ebbed away. The sting was still there, but it didn't hurt nearly as much as it had before. 

"Thanks," I mumbled to him. "For everything." 

He smiled, but it was strained. "Come say bye before you leave," he said. "If you can..." 

I nodded. 

"Come on," Touma murmured, and I followed him. 

Suddenly I wasn't worried about Eiri. I wasn't wondering how Shuuichi was doing. I didn't feel badly about what happened with Mika. I didn't think about any of them. 

I thought how hard it would be to never see Ryuuichi again, to never see that smile, to spend those moments with him that no one else saw, no one else could share. 

And for that, I was sorry. 


End file.
